A side note

I Find it that I come back to this, to the blog, to the writing whenever I am in rough waters.

It calms me down, it grounds me, it shows me the way.

In a way the is nothing else I have ever wanted to do than write.

The fountain of inspiration has flourished and dried out many times through the years.
For the past few years i thought it had died out completely.
Yet it came back with a strength like never before.

And now all of a sudden I don't want to write in a darkened room or under my blanket ashamed of what I have to say, censored by the thought of other's opinion.

I have always followed my heart even when gripped with fear.

It has taken me here, so far beyond my imagination .....where could it possibly take me now, that the fear is gone?

E

Leap and the net will appear

So many things now are starting to make sense. So many signs along the way that have lead in only one direction.
And when I think back it makes me smile softly.
May be I am just crazy, or may be I see things that many people are blind for. May be I am dilusional and self desructive or may be I am wiser than I should be.
The truth is probably somewhere in between.
But the truth has many layers. There is no such thing as absolute truth.
There is no such thing as absolute reality.
All the different dimensions from sci fi movies...... They all exist. For each person's mind is a different dimension. And they are all real.

So long I've been trying to look for myself now that I am finally beginning to understand me, is it fair to stop just because it's scary and brutal.

Sometimes we need to stop fighting, just let go and let the flow take us where we need to be.
Let go of all the preconceived notions of what we are and should be of what the world around is and should be. And let it become the beautiful thing that it could be even if it's heartbreaking.

For there is no beauty without pain.

E

I'll come into the darkness

I'll come into the darkness
To see you sleeping
To touch you once again
To see your face lost in a dream.
I'll come into the darkness
To cherish the dreams we both have
I'll come to kiss you
Touch you
Feel you
Make sure you are breathing
I'll come to find out
If the pain that I caused you
Is still within you
I'll come to soothe you
And dry your tears
To stay with you
Until the pain disappears
I'll come to hold your hand
And whisper tiny words
Cry you to sleep
And tuck you in
While you are breathing deep.
I'll come into the darkness
To tell you that I love you
Just a shadow of another day
But if I come in daylight
Would you ask me to stay?

Fast Forward

Has it really been so long?

This outlet of expression has been completely abandoned and out of my mind for over a year.

I doubt anyone even comes to visit any more

But does it matter? It was always more for me to record my thoughts than for anyone else to see.

Censorship has a whole new meaning in the world of social media.

There is hardly any privacy left.

So how much has life changed in the past year. Probably not much. Still living in NY with 2 kids.They are a little bit older, a little bit cuter and a lot more destructive.

How much have I changed? A whole lot....

Lets see can i count the ways

no more braces

nursing is a thing of the past

gone are all the pregnancy clothes and bras :)

exploring size 4

finally made it to South America (as I suspected long to return)

at peace with who I am

working on a business idea

and I guess I turned 30 (but that's not important)

So i guess its time to explore if my buldging belly can continue to exist when my belly isn't bulging any more. And what it is about.

It was about pregnancy, about me, about Madison, about seizures......

Its time to explore what else it could be.