Rumaging through pictures of the past two years I started asking myself whether I am ready to grow up.
Does being a parent mean we can't be kids any more and we can't paly any more?
Certainly not, but the carefree, long summer days are gone and we have responsibility for someone else now.
I feel somehow cheated- no one asked if I was ready to grow up, if I was ready to stop playing and give up my solitary moments. No one asked if my belly was ready to strerch and welcome new life, my breasts to become the size of cantalopes or if I wanted to spend my whole summer taking naps and complaining about pains and aches.
I feel like someone has cut off my wings and grounded me. Peter Pan, who never wanted to grow up all of a sudden can't fly any more and has to figure out how to pump breast milk, change diapers and recognize when the baby is crying because he is in pain or because he is hungry.
Somewhere in the exitement of something new and beyond explanation, of having a little creature that would love me and depend on me I lost my own self.
And now I am not sure whether I am changing because I think that I have to or because with my buldging belly growing out my hormones are telling me to grow up and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Looking at those pictures and at pictures taken now there is a difference in my face, something I don't have a name for but definitely something that isn't there any more.Does that mean that it isn't in me any more. It scares me .
I think it is gone forever. something I would never get back and something i am not sure I was ready to give up yet, or ever.
E
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
just another hot day
Another great muggy day in NYC.
Weekend at Getaway was great, a little boring but very relaxing.
I was very excited to drive up there by myself ( well with Dino and Bobby for great company). It was the first time I drove for so long and am very proud of myself. There was no accidents on my part except for getting lost a couple of times but at least now I know I can handle driving in NYC. In a way it makes me feel better about being a mother- I still doubt sometimes that I can do it.
Some days I feel like can't wait to meet this baby, some days I am not so sure. But still I am very excited about it.
Sometimes I feel so tired I am not sure I will be able to handle it. sooner or later everything turns out to be ok.
I feel much better now that I went to the doctor's office nad met the nurse- I liked the staff and the place now I just hope I like the doctor as well.
I think I have been feeling him kick in the last couple of days. It feels like little flutters in my stomach but it may be just my imagination and it is only gas. I can't wait to find out what it is.
E
Weekend at Getaway was great, a little boring but very relaxing.
I was very excited to drive up there by myself ( well with Dino and Bobby for great company). It was the first time I drove for so long and am very proud of myself. There was no accidents on my part except for getting lost a couple of times but at least now I know I can handle driving in NYC. In a way it makes me feel better about being a mother- I still doubt sometimes that I can do it.
Some days I feel like can't wait to meet this baby, some days I am not so sure. But still I am very excited about it.
Sometimes I feel so tired I am not sure I will be able to handle it. sooner or later everything turns out to be ok.
I feel much better now that I went to the doctor's office nad met the nurse- I liked the staff and the place now I just hope I like the doctor as well.
I think I have been feeling him kick in the last couple of days. It feels like little flutters in my stomach but it may be just my imagination and it is only gas. I can't wait to find out what it is.
E
Thursday, July 19, 2007
not so buldging belly yet
So week 16 is here but I still don't look pregnant. To every other person on the street I am just another person with too much belly flap. No cravings, no more nausea( not that I had for very long). If it wasn't for the sonograms that show one very squashed skeleton and my very buldging breasts I would still not believe that I was pregnant.
Week 15 was full of drama- my doctor refused to see me because I requested my medical records and my ever dedictated husband had to step into the role of a lawyer. So week 16 found me with a whole bunch of medical records but no Ob/Gyn. I summoned all possible sources to find a good doctor and thanks to many great friends I feel much more confident that I will soon have an awesome doctor who will take good care of me and deliver my baby without any more drama.
Monday I found myself in the Lenox Hill Hospital ( where if everything goes according to plan I would give birth sometime hopefully before decmeber 24th). I had chest pains and headache and over all didn't feel good at all so I grabed a cab and met Jeff in the ER. After many tests including EKG and doppler the freshly new doctor ( first day) send me home with prescriptions to ease my headache and indigestion. Nothing really helps the headache but good old coke. As far as indigestion I am still not convinced it was .
Week 16 found me in much better mood since I am not working any more and actually feel like I have time to breathe and realize that I am pregnant. I think now I can actually enjoy growing a life inside of me, and figure out what needs to be done, bought, organized and still be utterly surprised.
Finally had an opportunity to start a blog- something I have been wanting to do for a while, so I can go back and read this years later and laugh.Also a great way to share my journey with my frineds and may be a whole bunch of strangers.
E
Week 15 was full of drama- my doctor refused to see me because I requested my medical records and my ever dedictated husband had to step into the role of a lawyer. So week 16 found me with a whole bunch of medical records but no Ob/Gyn. I summoned all possible sources to find a good doctor and thanks to many great friends I feel much more confident that I will soon have an awesome doctor who will take good care of me and deliver my baby without any more drama.
Monday I found myself in the Lenox Hill Hospital ( where if everything goes according to plan I would give birth sometime hopefully before decmeber 24th). I had chest pains and headache and over all didn't feel good at all so I grabed a cab and met Jeff in the ER. After many tests including EKG and doppler the freshly new doctor ( first day) send me home with prescriptions to ease my headache and indigestion. Nothing really helps the headache but good old coke. As far as indigestion I am still not convinced it was .
Week 16 found me in much better mood since I am not working any more and actually feel like I have time to breathe and realize that I am pregnant. I think now I can actually enjoy growing a life inside of me, and figure out what needs to be done, bought, organized and still be utterly surprised.
Finally had an opportunity to start a blog- something I have been wanting to do for a while, so I can go back and read this years later and laugh.Also a great way to share my journey with my frineds and may be a whole bunch of strangers.
E
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