so that years from now we don't ask each other what we were doing all day while i was in labor with Madison here it goes:
We got up around 10:00am and went downtown to pick a humidifier from Auntie Danielle.Then headed to Long Island to drop off uncle Steven's equipment and went to Lowes, Home Depot and Ikea to return stuff. Had lunch at Applebees' and came back around 6:00pm.
Daddy watched the Patriots vs. Giants game and we had some dinner, all that while timing contractions. Mommy took a shower and ever since Daddy has been putting up shelves with me yelling "contraction" across 3 rooms every time one comes and it's over when it's over. we do have a suspicion that my water has broken but again the whole story with the duck and the smelling and the turkey.
I feel tired so I will try to lie down and rest a bit.
who knows what is coming up next.....
E
Saturday, December 29, 2007
if it looks like a duck and smells like a duck it can still be a turkey
Ok I am not sure what the exact saying is. But my my point is this: my ever loving and concerned husband dragged me to the hospital last night b/c he thought my water broke and no matter how much i tried to convince him that it didn't he still believes it did.
It took two hours of waiting to be admitted( Jeff is writing a nasty note about that)and about 40 min of testing to determine that i am not in labor and my water has most probably not broken- just normal discharge.
Since we came back from the hospital I have been having cramps and they have been getting stronger. they started during the night and were about 30 min apart and light enough for me to sleep through ... break for a contraction... the night.
Now they are 5 to 7 min apart and 1 minute long and impossible to ignore. I am still home and very happy because i can do whatever- walking helps so much and ...wine
My concerned and loving husband is putting shelves in the kitchen cabinets( yes it is 12:30 am) and timing my contractions and finding time to film me with his new camera. He is so cute.
I will try to take a nap before we head to the hospital - probably sometime in the small hours of the night. and hopefully we'll meet Maddie some time tomorrow. She is still moving plenty and the pain doesn't concern her much.
well that's all we know for now ...i think there is another contraction coming....
E
It took two hours of waiting to be admitted( Jeff is writing a nasty note about that)and about 40 min of testing to determine that i am not in labor and my water has most probably not broken- just normal discharge.
Since we came back from the hospital I have been having cramps and they have been getting stronger. they started during the night and were about 30 min apart and light enough for me to sleep through ... break for a contraction... the night.
Now they are 5 to 7 min apart and 1 minute long and impossible to ignore. I am still home and very happy because i can do whatever- walking helps so much and ...wine
My concerned and loving husband is putting shelves in the kitchen cabinets( yes it is 12:30 am) and timing my contractions and finding time to film me with his new camera. He is so cute.
I will try to take a nap before we head to the hospital - probably sometime in the small hours of the night. and hopefully we'll meet Maddie some time tomorrow. She is still moving plenty and the pain doesn't concern her much.
well that's all we know for now ...i think there is another contraction coming....
E
Thursday, December 27, 2007
is something happening?
It's 5 am and I can't sleep.One reason is that we went to bed around 9 and no matter how tired i am i can't sleep for so long. another is m sinus headache right above my left eye.
Or may be it's because i think something is starting to happen.
I had a great tantrum last night( over french fries and chicken) and i just wanted to cry. I don't even think it had that much to do with the food Jeff was eating and not sharing but I just wanted to weep and wail for no reason. Somehow after that i felt much better and still feel much more relaxed. I went to bed not feeling the tightness I usually feel in my insides. For the past couple of weeks i have had the feeling that i am squeezing my cervix and whatever other muscles i have down there not letting the baby escape. Now that feeling is gone- i feel like the door has been unlocked and now it only needs some time to open wide and let my daughter in the world.
I felt my underwear being wet and went to check if anything interesting has come out. No the water hasn't broken. I think it's what they call bloody show( although it hasn't really been that bloody)when the mucus plug falls out.
so may be i can't sleep because i am excited that something might happen soon. In my head i go over and over my idea of going to the hospital and giving birth and i don't feel fear of the pain. All that i have read makes me feel strange. May be i am just stupid and will be in for a big surprise. But i believe that the biggest part of pain is our fear of it. and because we are afraid we tighten and forget to breathe and focus on the pain trying desperately to run away from it. Pain is a good thing - it's a way of one's body communicating with their brain. Pain always teaches us something- whether it's to take our finger off the hot oven or change position so that the neck doesn't hurt the following morning, pain is a part of life and it's a part of labor and birth for a reason. And that reason is to fear it.
I feel so calm. It's almost weird. Almost like a calm before the storm. I am in a world where everything feels so soft and fuzzy. May be i am just delirious and need to go back to sleep.
I only wish that i get to meet Madison soon. I keep seeing her in my imagination- a small wiggly thing, like a little kitten, being placed on my chest and blindly looking for my breast. I hope it's not long before i meet her. the waiting is killing me.
I think i am going to go back to the warm comfy bed where my loving husband is sound asleep. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with my tantrums and moodiness.
E
Or may be it's because i think something is starting to happen.
I had a great tantrum last night( over french fries and chicken) and i just wanted to cry. I don't even think it had that much to do with the food Jeff was eating and not sharing but I just wanted to weep and wail for no reason. Somehow after that i felt much better and still feel much more relaxed. I went to bed not feeling the tightness I usually feel in my insides. For the past couple of weeks i have had the feeling that i am squeezing my cervix and whatever other muscles i have down there not letting the baby escape. Now that feeling is gone- i feel like the door has been unlocked and now it only needs some time to open wide and let my daughter in the world.
I felt my underwear being wet and went to check if anything interesting has come out. No the water hasn't broken. I think it's what they call bloody show( although it hasn't really been that bloody)when the mucus plug falls out.
so may be i can't sleep because i am excited that something might happen soon. In my head i go over and over my idea of going to the hospital and giving birth and i don't feel fear of the pain. All that i have read makes me feel strange. May be i am just stupid and will be in for a big surprise. But i believe that the biggest part of pain is our fear of it. and because we are afraid we tighten and forget to breathe and focus on the pain trying desperately to run away from it. Pain is a good thing - it's a way of one's body communicating with their brain. Pain always teaches us something- whether it's to take our finger off the hot oven or change position so that the neck doesn't hurt the following morning, pain is a part of life and it's a part of labor and birth for a reason. And that reason is to fear it.
I feel so calm. It's almost weird. Almost like a calm before the storm. I am in a world where everything feels so soft and fuzzy. May be i am just delirious and need to go back to sleep.
I only wish that i get to meet Madison soon. I keep seeing her in my imagination- a small wiggly thing, like a little kitten, being placed on my chest and blindly looking for my breast. I hope it's not long before i meet her. the waiting is killing me.
I think i am going to go back to the warm comfy bed where my loving husband is sound asleep. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with my tantrums and moodiness.
E
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
No End in sight
So it seems like Madison is not planning on leaving her cozy little shack anytime soon.
Saw the doctor today and I am not even close to being dialated.
My mood swings are back but mostly just being grumpy and bitchy rather than depressed. It's like I am very happy one day and then the next day I am still very happy but irritated that I haven't had contractions or anything else indicating nearing labor.
I guess she has decided to wait for everybody to come back from Holiday vacation and her grandparents will be very happy about that. so is her dad, because he'll be able to finish all the projects he has started- although with him you never know- he always comes up with more stuff to do.
While me I just feel like one big parasite who only sleeps and eats and waddles around.
I can't do much because I get tired so easily and feel like a big blop all the time( i am not sure if blop is an actual word but it means exactly what it sounds like- like big messy, gushy substance blopping on the floor)
I had a great session with my therapist today-she noticed I was grumpy so she had a fun little exercise to do where she just through pieces of information at me and waited for me to reach the conclusions instead of just telling me. I like that game it's fun and it actually put me in much better mood. We talked about Jeff for the first time- and it was fun. No, honey, I still don't have anything bad to say about you.
She said that you get as much out of this relationship as i do which makes me feel like a smaller parasite. Actually talking about Jeff makes me laugh, because he is so funny and full of life. she was trying to make me think how is my relationship with Jeff similar to the relationship with my parents.And I found out that it can't possibly be any similarity because their personalities are sooooo different. And because I have enormous respect for Jeff and know that I have his unconditional acceptance and love which i never had with my parents.
Speaking of whom I talked to them yesterday and just had to laugh at everything they said. My mother asked if i need her help but couldn't say what kind of help she can offer. I just told her no but when she decide she wants to come and visit she can let me know. I don't understand why they have such trouble actually saying what they want to say. The other thing she asked me, which i found terribly funny was am I ever going to work again- for some reason they think we don't have enough money to get by. So i just laughed and said " may be eventually"
I want to work and i need to work because otherwise i get bored, still think that it's a bizzare thing to ask someone who is about to give birth any day now( hope to.
and that it's the news for today.
I'll be here waiting.
E
Saw the doctor today and I am not even close to being dialated.
My mood swings are back but mostly just being grumpy and bitchy rather than depressed. It's like I am very happy one day and then the next day I am still very happy but irritated that I haven't had contractions or anything else indicating nearing labor.
I guess she has decided to wait for everybody to come back from Holiday vacation and her grandparents will be very happy about that. so is her dad, because he'll be able to finish all the projects he has started- although with him you never know- he always comes up with more stuff to do.
While me I just feel like one big parasite who only sleeps and eats and waddles around.
I can't do much because I get tired so easily and feel like a big blop all the time( i am not sure if blop is an actual word but it means exactly what it sounds like- like big messy, gushy substance blopping on the floor)
I had a great session with my therapist today-she noticed I was grumpy so she had a fun little exercise to do where she just through pieces of information at me and waited for me to reach the conclusions instead of just telling me. I like that game it's fun and it actually put me in much better mood. We talked about Jeff for the first time- and it was fun. No, honey, I still don't have anything bad to say about you.
She said that you get as much out of this relationship as i do which makes me feel like a smaller parasite. Actually talking about Jeff makes me laugh, because he is so funny and full of life. she was trying to make me think how is my relationship with Jeff similar to the relationship with my parents.And I found out that it can't possibly be any similarity because their personalities are sooooo different. And because I have enormous respect for Jeff and know that I have his unconditional acceptance and love which i never had with my parents.
Speaking of whom I talked to them yesterday and just had to laugh at everything they said. My mother asked if i need her help but couldn't say what kind of help she can offer. I just told her no but when she decide she wants to come and visit she can let me know. I don't understand why they have such trouble actually saying what they want to say. The other thing she asked me, which i found terribly funny was am I ever going to work again- for some reason they think we don't have enough money to get by. So i just laughed and said " may be eventually"
I want to work and i need to work because otherwise i get bored, still think that it's a bizzare thing to ask someone who is about to give birth any day now( hope to.
and that it's the news for today.
I'll be here waiting.
E
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
One day at a time
No still no Madison. she right now squeezing and twisting somewhere in my pelvis but the little princess hasn't decided it's time to meet her family yet.
I have been very impatient and trying to make her come out with walks, wine, going to the gym, eating mango and pineapple, chinese food, spicy food, squatting and god knows what else.
She is obviously not ready. So I decided to let go and let her come out on her own. Yes , am uncomfortable and I waddle around and I can't sleep but it's not fair to her. I am sure she is warm and comfy in her little world and doesn't want to come out. So she will not be a saggitarius and it looks like she won't be born in december- big deal. My predictions that she will be born on the 23rd were wrong but who cares. the full moon came and went and nothing.
I snore so bad my husband can hear me from two rooms down where he tries to get some sleep. I have now started drooling while I sleep. I only hope she'll decide to come out while I can still preserve some kind of self- respect.
On the other hand- the apartment is almost done -which makes Jeff more relaxed and me more comfortable with the fact that he won't be cutting and scraping when Maddie is here.
I have typed up notes for him while I am in labor and in the hospital because he hasn't had the time or the interest to read on any books- even after I marked the pages and highlighted everything I wanted him to read- I guess he'll just wing it. Hey that's why I love him.
In the meantime I have decided to just let go of everything. I can't make plans and control everything, can't even want everything to go my way. so I'll just take it one day at a time. I don't know what to expect from labor and motherhood, even though I read so many books. And that is the most exciting part. I'll just take as it comes and enjoy the beauty of it. I have never been happier and I don't want to miss these moments just because I am trying to plan and have everything under control.
E
I have been very impatient and trying to make her come out with walks, wine, going to the gym, eating mango and pineapple, chinese food, spicy food, squatting and god knows what else.
She is obviously not ready. So I decided to let go and let her come out on her own. Yes , am uncomfortable and I waddle around and I can't sleep but it's not fair to her. I am sure she is warm and comfy in her little world and doesn't want to come out. So she will not be a saggitarius and it looks like she won't be born in december- big deal. My predictions that she will be born on the 23rd were wrong but who cares. the full moon came and went and nothing.
I snore so bad my husband can hear me from two rooms down where he tries to get some sleep. I have now started drooling while I sleep. I only hope she'll decide to come out while I can still preserve some kind of self- respect.
On the other hand- the apartment is almost done -which makes Jeff more relaxed and me more comfortable with the fact that he won't be cutting and scraping when Maddie is here.
I have typed up notes for him while I am in labor and in the hospital because he hasn't had the time or the interest to read on any books- even after I marked the pages and highlighted everything I wanted him to read- I guess he'll just wing it. Hey that's why I love him.
In the meantime I have decided to just let go of everything. I can't make plans and control everything, can't even want everything to go my way. so I'll just take it one day at a time. I don't know what to expect from labor and motherhood, even though I read so many books. And that is the most exciting part. I'll just take as it comes and enjoy the beauty of it. I have never been happier and I don't want to miss these moments just because I am trying to plan and have everything under control.
E
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Soon...
soon the quiet will be over and we'll have a whole new person in our lives. Someone we never met before and someone who will be here to stay for the rest of our lives. It's so fascinating and exciting.
We are not getting a nurse and I am really happy about that. I felt that having someone here to take care of Madison will take away from my time with her. I know it will be hard but it's my child and the first couple of weeks should be all about us- getting to know each other and getting to know what each of us likes. It should be intimate just Jeff, Madison and I. I don't understand why people ( including my husband) make such a big deal of taking care of the baby. It's just a baby- all it needs is love, food, and a clean diaper every once in a while. At least for the first couple of weeks anyway. But I didn't want to share that special time with a stranger. An expensive stranger too. honestly, I would rather buy myself a new computer than spend the money on a nurse. And it's not being selfish and caring for me more than for my kid. I don't think a nurse is necessary. I don't have anything else to do with myself during the day so why should I give away the privilege of taking care of my baby to someone else. I feel good about it and confident that I can handle it. That's the attitude I have been missing all my life and the perfect time to enjoy is now.
Which brings us to the other things going on in my life. Examining the relationship I have had with my parents I have come to understand where all my insecurities and doubts come from.
I have realized how manipulative my mother has been with me- and not saying she did it to screw me up, but because she obviously has her own issues. But she had made me feel guilty for so many things and at the same time manipulated me into being miserable. All the time she has been saying how much she wants me to be happy she had sabotaged my happiness and tricked me into falling back into the arms of deep depression and self- pity. And my being depressed for most of my life has come not from something being wrong with me, but from her. She made me suppress my anger by making me feel guilty for being angry at her. And I have finally come to the enlightenment that I have the right to be angry. but she made it sound that every time I got angry for one thing or another I hate her and that i pour venom at her and she is a good person who doesn't deserve it. At the same she wants me to be angry because that way she can be the victim and blame me for being cruel. She doesn't get angry because that would mean that she stands for herself, instead she just wines and pities herself, expecting for others to do the same.
Anyway I could go one forever about my mom's mistakes. that is not what matters now. what matters is that I have the most wonderful person to share my life with. someone who saw me fro what I was before I even knew it. and that we'll get to meet our daughter soon and that I have never been happier in my life and that I can't wait to live every single moment of it and share it with Jeff.
E
We are not getting a nurse and I am really happy about that. I felt that having someone here to take care of Madison will take away from my time with her. I know it will be hard but it's my child and the first couple of weeks should be all about us- getting to know each other and getting to know what each of us likes. It should be intimate just Jeff, Madison and I. I don't understand why people ( including my husband) make such a big deal of taking care of the baby. It's just a baby- all it needs is love, food, and a clean diaper every once in a while. At least for the first couple of weeks anyway. But I didn't want to share that special time with a stranger. An expensive stranger too. honestly, I would rather buy myself a new computer than spend the money on a nurse. And it's not being selfish and caring for me more than for my kid. I don't think a nurse is necessary. I don't have anything else to do with myself during the day so why should I give away the privilege of taking care of my baby to someone else. I feel good about it and confident that I can handle it. That's the attitude I have been missing all my life and the perfect time to enjoy is now.
Which brings us to the other things going on in my life. Examining the relationship I have had with my parents I have come to understand where all my insecurities and doubts come from.
I have realized how manipulative my mother has been with me- and not saying she did it to screw me up, but because she obviously has her own issues. But she had made me feel guilty for so many things and at the same time manipulated me into being miserable. All the time she has been saying how much she wants me to be happy she had sabotaged my happiness and tricked me into falling back into the arms of deep depression and self- pity. And my being depressed for most of my life has come not from something being wrong with me, but from her. She made me suppress my anger by making me feel guilty for being angry at her. And I have finally come to the enlightenment that I have the right to be angry. but she made it sound that every time I got angry for one thing or another I hate her and that i pour venom at her and she is a good person who doesn't deserve it. At the same she wants me to be angry because that way she can be the victim and blame me for being cruel. She doesn't get angry because that would mean that she stands for herself, instead she just wines and pities herself, expecting for others to do the same.
Anyway I could go one forever about my mom's mistakes. that is not what matters now. what matters is that I have the most wonderful person to share my life with. someone who saw me fro what I was before I even knew it. and that we'll get to meet our daughter soon and that I have never been happier in my life and that I can't wait to live every single moment of it and share it with Jeff.
E
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Still here
Yes, I see i haven't written in weeks. Was a little swept over with finals and final projects. I didn't think it was humanly possible that everything I had to do but it's over and I am officially done with school. At least for now. I probably want to go back in a year or so but would like to spend some time time with my little darling now.
No she hasn't shown up yet. But that is OK I didn't need her to be popping out during finals. I think she felt that because I was very stressed.
I had some Braxton Higs two weeks ago and then once I was in final storm I didn't have any, I hope I didn't stress her much.
In the meantime her knees and elbows are getting bonier and she seems a little tight in there. She really loved the Cirque de Soleil show we went to for Jeff's birthday. She was rolling and jumping in my belly for the whole 2 hours we were there. she is never active for so long. She wasn't crazy about the Little Mermaid though, which we saw last night. Can't blame her- it was quite lame. We have another show tomorrow night we'll see what she thinks of that.
Jeff is coming to the doctor with me today for the first time since I changed doctors about 5 months ago. So My plan is to take a couple of books and educate him a bit while we are waiting. I think he is a little overwhelmed with his home improvement projects and is very behind with baby books. I think that's why he feels unprepared and that makes me nervous. He asked me if I had contractions during the night. It's really cute- but I would like him to feel a bit more comfortable with all the stuff that is going to hit him.
As stupid as it may sound I feel kind of excited about labor and can't wait. I have the feeling that everything will be quite easy. May be it's just me hoping but i think the most important thing is the mindset we go in labor with and I feel very confident that it would be a wonderful experience.
I read my horoscope and I think she will be born between the 17 and the 23rd- It's a very rare star positioning and five planets are in Saggitarius, then it's a also a full moon- a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand but it sounded pretty good.
So hopefully we'll get to meet Madison soon.
E
No she hasn't shown up yet. But that is OK I didn't need her to be popping out during finals. I think she felt that because I was very stressed.
I had some Braxton Higs two weeks ago and then once I was in final storm I didn't have any, I hope I didn't stress her much.
In the meantime her knees and elbows are getting bonier and she seems a little tight in there. She really loved the Cirque de Soleil show we went to for Jeff's birthday. She was rolling and jumping in my belly for the whole 2 hours we were there. she is never active for so long. She wasn't crazy about the Little Mermaid though, which we saw last night. Can't blame her- it was quite lame. We have another show tomorrow night we'll see what she thinks of that.
Jeff is coming to the doctor with me today for the first time since I changed doctors about 5 months ago. So My plan is to take a couple of books and educate him a bit while we are waiting. I think he is a little overwhelmed with his home improvement projects and is very behind with baby books. I think that's why he feels unprepared and that makes me nervous. He asked me if I had contractions during the night. It's really cute- but I would like him to feel a bit more comfortable with all the stuff that is going to hit him.
As stupid as it may sound I feel kind of excited about labor and can't wait. I have the feeling that everything will be quite easy. May be it's just me hoping but i think the most important thing is the mindset we go in labor with and I feel very confident that it would be a wonderful experience.
I read my horoscope and I think she will be born between the 17 and the 23rd- It's a very rare star positioning and five planets are in Saggitarius, then it's a also a full moon- a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand but it sounded pretty good.
So hopefully we'll get to meet Madison soon.
E
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Hard to get around
Still doing pretty good except that it's getting hard to get around. Waddling is not one my favorite exercises and it takes forver to get anywhere. The ligaments in my hips hurt and my pubic bone is in pain, i am guessing because she is pressing on it.
Other than that I have no major complaints. I seriously think sometimes that she grabs my bladder and squeezes it like grapefruit just so can make me go to the bathroom 2 minutes after I have peed.
I had a weird dream last night, where although the baby was not born yet I knew it was a boy. When I woke up I had this feeling that it is a boy and now I keep calling him in my head. As strange as it seems I felt disappointed that it wasn't a girl. That and what I am going to do with all the pink clothes I have.
I have been sleeping well and having dreams about the pregnancy and labor. They are not scary just bizzare but usually make me feel very calm and secure about labor.I think my body knows that I am in my final weeks and nearing labor and my mind is entering the final stages of getting ready as well. It's quite an extraordinary experience. I feel like my mind and my body are communicating in my dreams and each one is telling the other- everything is going to be OK. I have no real idea of what labor would be like but I am not scared. I see it as a challenge that I will have to go through and that it will feel great after I am done.
For me it's like another step i need to take on the journey of finding myself and becoming the most that i can be.
Jeff and I took Peter and Margaret's kids to the Bee movie this weekend and it was quite a learning experience of what to expect. Jeff looked so cute with Eowen. I think he should have a girl first, that's another reason that I would be disappointed if we are surprised with a boy. I know we both said we wanted a boy first but I got so used to the thought of having a girl that now it seems weird that it could be a boy.
I am officially in the 9th month and really ready to go. I have 3 more weeks of school but after that that baby better comes out. I can't wait to be able to cut my toenails without getting into yoga positions. And I am eager to meet theat baby.
It has been a long journey so far and there is still the final stretch which is not going to be a piece of cake. But it's been quite amazing. The changes in my body aren't even half of what i am talking about. The way I have come to perceive the world and myself has changed tremendously and it's very fascinating.
I have come to realize many of my issues are because of my parents and the unhappy childhood I've had. and surprisingly the moment you relaize why have a problem -half the problem is gone. It's like someone lifted up a dusty curtain and a whole new world of possibilities is revelaed.
E
Other than that I have no major complaints. I seriously think sometimes that she grabs my bladder and squeezes it like grapefruit just so can make me go to the bathroom 2 minutes after I have peed.
I had a weird dream last night, where although the baby was not born yet I knew it was a boy. When I woke up I had this feeling that it is a boy and now I keep calling him in my head. As strange as it seems I felt disappointed that it wasn't a girl. That and what I am going to do with all the pink clothes I have.
I have been sleeping well and having dreams about the pregnancy and labor. They are not scary just bizzare but usually make me feel very calm and secure about labor.I think my body knows that I am in my final weeks and nearing labor and my mind is entering the final stages of getting ready as well. It's quite an extraordinary experience. I feel like my mind and my body are communicating in my dreams and each one is telling the other- everything is going to be OK. I have no real idea of what labor would be like but I am not scared. I see it as a challenge that I will have to go through and that it will feel great after I am done.
For me it's like another step i need to take on the journey of finding myself and becoming the most that i can be.
Jeff and I took Peter and Margaret's kids to the Bee movie this weekend and it was quite a learning experience of what to expect. Jeff looked so cute with Eowen. I think he should have a girl first, that's another reason that I would be disappointed if we are surprised with a boy. I know we both said we wanted a boy first but I got so used to the thought of having a girl that now it seems weird that it could be a boy.
I am officially in the 9th month and really ready to go. I have 3 more weeks of school but after that that baby better comes out. I can't wait to be able to cut my toenails without getting into yoga positions. And I am eager to meet theat baby.
It has been a long journey so far and there is still the final stretch which is not going to be a piece of cake. But it's been quite amazing. The changes in my body aren't even half of what i am talking about. The way I have come to perceive the world and myself has changed tremendously and it's very fascinating.
I have come to realize many of my issues are because of my parents and the unhappy childhood I've had. and surprisingly the moment you relaize why have a problem -half the problem is gone. It's like someone lifted up a dusty curtain and a whole new world of possibilities is revelaed.
E
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Can't wait
soon now I will get to meet my little baby and I can't wait.
All the fears and the anxiety and the worries are left behind in the past and I just want to hold her in my arms.
It's funny how your body and your mind have to go trhough all these stages before you are ready to bring another being in the world.
I have been through a lot of talking ( emailing) with my mother working out my own issues and making sure I don't make the same mistakes. My mother is still in denial and has a big bag of excuses for everything- there were no books, no psychology, other paople made her do what she didn't want to. She doesn't want to take the responsibility, just the credit for what I have become. she said she is proud of me and that she is happy she gave me the chance to become what i have become. She didn't give me a chance- she gave me no choice. And looking back now- I know how much I miss the things I didn't have- communication, discipline, someone to care what the fuck am I doing, someone to talk to me. All this have brought me tremendous understanding of a lot of my issues and given me the chance to become the person that I have always known was inside me.
I feel bad for my husband however, because he has to put up with me and as much as he is my husband and I love him to pieces, he has also been a parent on many occasions, teaching me things that my parents never taught me. I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that ( mostly because I bitch most of the time that he treats me like a child)
But this has convinced me that Madison will have one hell of a dad and she won't miss anything and she will be loved and given everything that one child needs- from love and understanding to discipline and structure in her life. My hope is that I can grow up with her and experience all those things with her and Jeff.
E
All the fears and the anxiety and the worries are left behind in the past and I just want to hold her in my arms.
It's funny how your body and your mind have to go trhough all these stages before you are ready to bring another being in the world.
I have been through a lot of talking ( emailing) with my mother working out my own issues and making sure I don't make the same mistakes. My mother is still in denial and has a big bag of excuses for everything- there were no books, no psychology, other paople made her do what she didn't want to. She doesn't want to take the responsibility, just the credit for what I have become. she said she is proud of me and that she is happy she gave me the chance to become what i have become. She didn't give me a chance- she gave me no choice. And looking back now- I know how much I miss the things I didn't have- communication, discipline, someone to care what the fuck am I doing, someone to talk to me. All this have brought me tremendous understanding of a lot of my issues and given me the chance to become the person that I have always known was inside me.
I feel bad for my husband however, because he has to put up with me and as much as he is my husband and I love him to pieces, he has also been a parent on many occasions, teaching me things that my parents never taught me. I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that ( mostly because I bitch most of the time that he treats me like a child)
But this has convinced me that Madison will have one hell of a dad and she won't miss anything and she will be loved and given everything that one child needs- from love and understanding to discipline and structure in her life. My hope is that I can grow up with her and experience all those things with her and Jeff.
E
Monday, November 12, 2007
Not so bad
The childbirth class turned out to be quite a pleasure- except for the uncomfortable chairs we had to sit on for 4 hours.
Other than that - the nurse was very nice and I did learn a whole bunch of things. My husband on the other side learned more things but i think that some of them he really didn't want to know. After watching the vidoe of actual childbirth I was a bit doubtful that we are ever going to have sex again (still not so sure). And now I know that he is definitely staying next to my head through birth.
I am still convinced that for some of the questions I had the nurse just said what I wanted to hear rather than the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's OK- that's her job but I think it's better to say things as they are. When I asked her if they let you eat or is nothing by mouth after you are admitted- she said " we don't feed you" - which doesn't really answer my question. But when I cornered her later I figured they don't let you eat which doesn't make sense. The argument is that if you have to have a C-section there is a very small chance that you may have to go under general anastesia. Ususally you are just given an epidural or a local anastesia. If you have eaten or drunk anything in the past 8 hours there is a possibility that you may vomit and choke while under general anastesia. However if you need an emergency c-section and you have had a full meal 20 minutes earlier there is no problem, even if you have to be under general anastesia. I don't see the logic here, but hey that's just me.
I am not sure I really like my doctor any more( I don't actually get to see him much anyhow) I get examined by a resident and I have to ask her every single thing because she doesn't tell me. And I don't think they are very thourough. They are not going to do the Strep B test until I am 36 weeks and I just think that they should do that because I can go into labor and not know whether I have it or not and they will give me antibiotics regardless of whether I have it or not. They also haven't mentioned the RH test- I don't think it's necessary because both Jeff and I are positive but they don't know that and they should make sure that everythign is ok. Now that I think about it- I am pretty sure my dad is negative so there is a small chance she can be negative. But they should check and make sure.I think I am going to call them and make sure they check.
let me refrase that- I don't think that I like my intern.
E
Other than that - the nurse was very nice and I did learn a whole bunch of things. My husband on the other side learned more things but i think that some of them he really didn't want to know. After watching the vidoe of actual childbirth I was a bit doubtful that we are ever going to have sex again (still not so sure). And now I know that he is definitely staying next to my head through birth.
I am still convinced that for some of the questions I had the nurse just said what I wanted to hear rather than the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's OK- that's her job but I think it's better to say things as they are. When I asked her if they let you eat or is nothing by mouth after you are admitted- she said " we don't feed you" - which doesn't really answer my question. But when I cornered her later I figured they don't let you eat which doesn't make sense. The argument is that if you have to have a C-section there is a very small chance that you may have to go under general anastesia. Ususally you are just given an epidural or a local anastesia. If you have eaten or drunk anything in the past 8 hours there is a possibility that you may vomit and choke while under general anastesia. However if you need an emergency c-section and you have had a full meal 20 minutes earlier there is no problem, even if you have to be under general anastesia. I don't see the logic here, but hey that's just me.
I am not sure I really like my doctor any more( I don't actually get to see him much anyhow) I get examined by a resident and I have to ask her every single thing because she doesn't tell me. And I don't think they are very thourough. They are not going to do the Strep B test until I am 36 weeks and I just think that they should do that because I can go into labor and not know whether I have it or not and they will give me antibiotics regardless of whether I have it or not. They also haven't mentioned the RH test- I don't think it's necessary because both Jeff and I are positive but they don't know that and they should make sure that everythign is ok. Now that I think about it- I am pretty sure my dad is negative so there is a small chance she can be negative. But they should check and make sure.I think I am going to call them and make sure they check.
let me refrase that- I don't think that I like my intern.
E
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
not feeling too good
So i am sick and tired and feel like crap. I think I just have a cold but will see the doctor to make sure it's nothing too serious. It's not like they an do much for me anyway- they can't give me too many pills. Most likely will send me home to drink liquids and lie on my left side.
Meanwhile I am getting excited as there are less than two months before I meet my little girl. What scares me most is that I feel so calm about labor. I feel a bit too good about it and I'm sure I'm in for a big surpise- but will deal with that when it comes.
May be the birthing class this weekend will scare me a bit.
We have to go toa wedding this Saturday and I am all set with the dress, but as I found out yesterday most of my shoes don't fit me. So much for my" I am not swollen at all" well at least a little bit. Yes so that is the news- the good thing about staying in bed is that I am catching up on reading for school. I can't wait for that to be over.
e
Meanwhile I am getting excited as there are less than two months before I meet my little girl. What scares me most is that I feel so calm about labor. I feel a bit too good about it and I'm sure I'm in for a big surpise- but will deal with that when it comes.
May be the birthing class this weekend will scare me a bit.
We have to go toa wedding this Saturday and I am all set with the dress, but as I found out yesterday most of my shoes don't fit me. So much for my" I am not swollen at all" well at least a little bit. Yes so that is the news- the good thing about staying in bed is that I am catching up on reading for school. I can't wait for that to be over.
e
Monday, October 29, 2007
rings off
So that time came when I had to take off my wedding ring and engagement ring off for good. My fingers are swollen enough that it hurts and they don't come on and off easily. I actually have a bruise on my ring finger from taking the band off- I would guess i am not a size 4 any more. I don't even want to know what size pants I am since even maternity pants won't go through my hips...
they do actually but it takes some time and a lot of squeezing in. They fit fine around my belly but the hips have always been a problem.
E
they do actually but it takes some time and a lot of squeezing in. They fit fine around my belly but the hips have always been a problem.
E
I just was reading an article on how to recognize the signs of true labor and this tought came to my mind. If my water breaks at home my husband will kill me because it will most likely ruin the floors that were not finished properly. I thought it was pretty funny.
somehow my fear of labor has totally disappeared and i am totally looking forward to it. It's amazing how our bodies and minds work and how easy it could be to get rid of fear as long as you have an open mind.
As i suspected I got a big No to my idea to have a homebirth for the second child. Jeff says that I need to be in a hospital in case something goes wrong. He doesn't know that giving birth in a hospital scares me more than labor and delivery itself. There are obviously so many more things thatcan go wrong in a hospital with a doctor that is only taught how to intervene with the natural process of birth.
It's ok I have enough time to convince him and if I can't too bad because i am the one giving birth and I will do whenever the hell i please. When he pushes out a 7 lb baby out of his baby and is planning to breastfeed it for a year he can have a say in the location of birth.
E
somehow my fear of labor has totally disappeared and i am totally looking forward to it. It's amazing how our bodies and minds work and how easy it could be to get rid of fear as long as you have an open mind.
As i suspected I got a big No to my idea to have a homebirth for the second child. Jeff says that I need to be in a hospital in case something goes wrong. He doesn't know that giving birth in a hospital scares me more than labor and delivery itself. There are obviously so many more things thatcan go wrong in a hospital with a doctor that is only taught how to intervene with the natural process of birth.
It's ok I have enough time to convince him and if I can't too bad because i am the one giving birth and I will do whenever the hell i please. When he pushes out a 7 lb baby out of his baby and is planning to breastfeed it for a year he can have a say in the location of birth.
E
Friday, October 26, 2007
Natural?
So I have been reading Ina May's guide to childbirth and wish that I had known all this information earlier because I would have opted out for a completely natural childbirth. I think it's a bit too late to switch doctors now, and I think that they will be pretty accomodating as to how much intervention I want. There are certain things that the hospital requires, like giving the baby vitamin K and baby monitoring, and there's nothing I can do but I have made up my mind that I don't want any drugs.
Furthermore i have decided that I will wait as long as possible before going to the hospital so that I can eat and drink and relax as much as possible before I get into the doctor's hands.
REading the book about natural childbirth didn't neccesarily introduce any new odeas to me. I was already convinced that this is the most natural process and that my body will kow what to do. What the book did is that explain in simple words and great detail, what happens and why and why are some hospital practices dangerous. On the other side- if something happens that I need intervention and can't prevent it I look at it this way. so many kids are born in hospitals with epidurals and IVs and they are completely healthy that it can't be that bad. Of course I want the best for my baby so I would do anything in my power to give her the best I can. And the only thing that is completely in my power is being drugged- so I won't be- unless I require a c-section. An intersting thing i learned from the book is that the chance of a c-sections increases with the epidural. So if there was any doubt in my mind about having an epidural it's gone. Also the epidural makes it problematic to breastfeed so definitely no happy drugs for me.
I am sure my husband will laugh at me when i tell him all this but who cares. He thinks that being involved in pregnancy and childbirth begins around the due date and is right now preoccupied with building closets. I think that one day he will look back and wish he was more involved but it would be too late. hopefully he'll figure it out before the second one. And he better because I think with the second one I am hiring a midwife and having it at home. I do feel more comfy in the hospital in case anything goes wrong, but if I could it all over again I don't think I want doctors involved.
I finally found a birthing class we can attend and it wa pretty cheap- "only" $ 250. It is with a nurse from the hospital but I think it's important to know what exactly is their plan so that i can avoid what I want to avoid.
Meanwhile Maddi is getting bigger and I think she'll be one funny kid. she likes molding my belly in strange shapes and I gotta say she doesn't really kick me, she moves and swirls and pokes here and there but it's just funny. Sometime she just reajusts her position and I can feel her head or foot or elbow (not that i know which one it is) under my skin. It's really cute and she really likes it when i rubmy tummy ( or may be that's just me).
E
Furthermore i have decided that I will wait as long as possible before going to the hospital so that I can eat and drink and relax as much as possible before I get into the doctor's hands.
REading the book about natural childbirth didn't neccesarily introduce any new odeas to me. I was already convinced that this is the most natural process and that my body will kow what to do. What the book did is that explain in simple words and great detail, what happens and why and why are some hospital practices dangerous. On the other side- if something happens that I need intervention and can't prevent it I look at it this way. so many kids are born in hospitals with epidurals and IVs and they are completely healthy that it can't be that bad. Of course I want the best for my baby so I would do anything in my power to give her the best I can. And the only thing that is completely in my power is being drugged- so I won't be- unless I require a c-section. An intersting thing i learned from the book is that the chance of a c-sections increases with the epidural. So if there was any doubt in my mind about having an epidural it's gone. Also the epidural makes it problematic to breastfeed so definitely no happy drugs for me.
I am sure my husband will laugh at me when i tell him all this but who cares. He thinks that being involved in pregnancy and childbirth begins around the due date and is right now preoccupied with building closets. I think that one day he will look back and wish he was more involved but it would be too late. hopefully he'll figure it out before the second one. And he better because I think with the second one I am hiring a midwife and having it at home. I do feel more comfy in the hospital in case anything goes wrong, but if I could it all over again I don't think I want doctors involved.
I finally found a birthing class we can attend and it wa pretty cheap- "only" $ 250. It is with a nurse from the hospital but I think it's important to know what exactly is their plan so that i can avoid what I want to avoid.
Meanwhile Maddi is getting bigger and I think she'll be one funny kid. she likes molding my belly in strange shapes and I gotta say she doesn't really kick me, she moves and swirls and pokes here and there but it's just funny. Sometime she just reajusts her position and I can feel her head or foot or elbow (not that i know which one it is) under my skin. It's really cute and she really likes it when i rubmy tummy ( or may be that's just me).
E
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Aches and pains???
I read all the weekly pregnancy calendars and I feel bad because I don't have any of the aches and pains and other nuisances that they are describing.
Mood swings?- i have never felt better and happier in my life. I do go in bad mood but that's either because I have to deal with my professors who are idiots or because the managing company of the nw building is incompetent and the neighbors obviously have nothing else to do but complain.
Trouble sleeping?- yeah, when my husband decides to build closets and unpack boxes at 12:00 am. I sleep great - I haven't even needed the pillow between my legs these days.
Backaache? - none. Even the terrible pains I had to go to physical therapy for are gone. I expected to be hunched after packing and unpacking Jeff's life collected in the past 39 years. but no- no pain what so ever.
Let's see what else- fatigue?- none- I have so much energy, I would go rollerblading if I was allowed.
Constipation and heartburn?- none just very powerful burp, that i am enjoying trmemedously since burped very rarely before I got pregnancy.
On top of all that my scale is telling me that I have lost 2-3 pounds, which I guess is not that great, yet considering that I have gained plenty of weight- about 35 lb so far does not worry me. And I have been eating normally, and healthy most of the time, except for the remains of my babyshower cake, which is really good.
I have no problem laying on my back and I like it because I can see my belly moving and jiggling like jelly every time she moves.
My blood pressure is great according to my doctor- 100 over 60 and I have almost no swelling what so ever. YEs my feet are a bit puffy, but they are caring about 160 lbs so I can't blame them.
I am scared to say but I don't really feel pregnant. I wake up and I feel like i should fit into my old clothes- i feel skinny and fit. Well, it is a little depressing when the shorts I wore pre-pregnancy won't even go through my hips but something has to bring me back to preganant reality. Every time i look at my belly I am surprised and I laugh.
so far my biggest complaint is that it's a bit too hot for fall and I am not a big fan of the heat these days. I wouldn't mind it being 5 -10 degrees cooler but everyone else seems to be enjoying it.
So I hope that everything continues this way. Right now I am convinced that I will have a very easy and speedy delivery, but I don't want to jinx it. Hope everything is ashappy inside as it is outside my buldging belly. A little afraid that everything is going too good and something may turn out wrong at the end. But I can't let thougths like that bother me.
Everything will be just great.
E
Mood swings?- i have never felt better and happier in my life. I do go in bad mood but that's either because I have to deal with my professors who are idiots or because the managing company of the nw building is incompetent and the neighbors obviously have nothing else to do but complain.
Trouble sleeping?- yeah, when my husband decides to build closets and unpack boxes at 12:00 am. I sleep great - I haven't even needed the pillow between my legs these days.
Backaache? - none. Even the terrible pains I had to go to physical therapy for are gone. I expected to be hunched after packing and unpacking Jeff's life collected in the past 39 years. but no- no pain what so ever.
Let's see what else- fatigue?- none- I have so much energy, I would go rollerblading if I was allowed.
Constipation and heartburn?- none just very powerful burp, that i am enjoying trmemedously since burped very rarely before I got pregnancy.
On top of all that my scale is telling me that I have lost 2-3 pounds, which I guess is not that great, yet considering that I have gained plenty of weight- about 35 lb so far does not worry me. And I have been eating normally, and healthy most of the time, except for the remains of my babyshower cake, which is really good.
I have no problem laying on my back and I like it because I can see my belly moving and jiggling like jelly every time she moves.
My blood pressure is great according to my doctor- 100 over 60 and I have almost no swelling what so ever. YEs my feet are a bit puffy, but they are caring about 160 lbs so I can't blame them.
I am scared to say but I don't really feel pregnant. I wake up and I feel like i should fit into my old clothes- i feel skinny and fit. Well, it is a little depressing when the shorts I wore pre-pregnancy won't even go through my hips but something has to bring me back to preganant reality. Every time i look at my belly I am surprised and I laugh.
so far my biggest complaint is that it's a bit too hot for fall and I am not a big fan of the heat these days. I wouldn't mind it being 5 -10 degrees cooler but everyone else seems to be enjoying it.
So I hope that everything continues this way. Right now I am convinced that I will have a very easy and speedy delivery, but I don't want to jinx it. Hope everything is ashappy inside as it is outside my buldging belly. A little afraid that everything is going too good and something may turn out wrong at the end. But I can't let thougths like that bother me.
Everything will be just great.
E
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I LOVE PRESENTS
Yes, I made a little boo-boo, and posted a posted with nothing on it.
Who cares?
Anyway I just had a lovely baby shower and I am convinced that one of my favorite activities is getting presents.
It certainly is nice to have so many people thinking of you( and offering baby-sitting services) and I feel so loved and so happy that my baby will have such great friends around her.
I felt like everyone left too soon and I didn't get to say hello to everybody ( becasue I was opening presents most of the time)- I hope everyone had fun as much as I did.
Now I have to go through all the stuff I got because I already don't remember what I got.
Oh and thank you notes- I think I just finished writing thank you notes for my wedding gifts and now I have to start all over again. But everything is greatly appreciated.
Well certainly is great to have my husband back after a week's absence- of course daily life becomes crazy when he is around but that's why I love him.
E
Who cares?
Anyway I just had a lovely baby shower and I am convinced that one of my favorite activities is getting presents.
It certainly is nice to have so many people thinking of you( and offering baby-sitting services) and I feel so loved and so happy that my baby will have such great friends around her.
I felt like everyone left too soon and I didn't get to say hello to everybody ( becasue I was opening presents most of the time)- I hope everyone had fun as much as I did.
Now I have to go through all the stuff I got because I already don't remember what I got.
Oh and thank you notes- I think I just finished writing thank you notes for my wedding gifts and now I have to start all over again. But everything is greatly appreciated.
Well certainly is great to have my husband back after a week's absence- of course daily life becomes crazy when he is around but that's why I love him.
E
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
not much time
Yes, unfortunately i haven't had much time to write. Even these few minutes are stolen from precious time for unpacking.
Jeff left for SF and I am trying to unpack the whole apartment by myself by Sunday. I suspect that my baby shower will be in the midst of many boxes and unhooked electronics.
It's been a hell of a week- one week to pack the old apartment, then the carzy 13 hours move, where most of our furniture was broken anyway. My body finally crashed last night- I went ot bed at 8:30 and didn't get up until 8:00 this morning.
Now i have to juggle unpacking and two midterms next week- I feel like I am running a marathon and don't have time to stop and take a breath.
Maddie's been quiet- probably because i am tired, can't wait to see the doctor on friday so he can tell me everything is allright.
The new apartment is very nice - I like the color rooms- even though Jeff is not crazy about the green...
Gotta go now.
E
Jeff left for SF and I am trying to unpack the whole apartment by myself by Sunday. I suspect that my baby shower will be in the midst of many boxes and unhooked electronics.
It's been a hell of a week- one week to pack the old apartment, then the carzy 13 hours move, where most of our furniture was broken anyway. My body finally crashed last night- I went ot bed at 8:30 and didn't get up until 8:00 this morning.
Now i have to juggle unpacking and two midterms next week- I feel like I am running a marathon and don't have time to stop and take a breath.
Maddie's been quiet- probably because i am tired, can't wait to see the doctor on friday so he can tell me everything is allright.
The new apartment is very nice - I like the color rooms- even though Jeff is not crazy about the green...
Gotta go now.
E
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
little things
Lat week I had this dream where I could see Maddie's outline on my belly and she was streching her arms as if just waking up and I made sure that I counted 10 fingers and 10 toes and she was so beautiful. I could see her so clearly, but instead of being creepy it was amazing, when I woke up I felt so serene and happy it is hard to describe.
Last night when Jeff had his head on my belly I had that same feeling. He put his ear on my buldging belly and started talking to her and she started kicking and moving and he could feel it and it was just so beautiful. I don't think I ever felt so happy.
In the meantime getting bigger is not helping me pack. The apartment is all in boxes andI feel totally helpless because I can't do much. My back starts hurting after I pack for about an hour and I can't bend or pick up heavy stuff. My feet swell and hurt and I feel really bad that Jeff has to do most of the work by himself.
But I am very excited that we are moving.
that being said I don't have much time because I need to get my little share of packing while I still have energy.
E
Last night when Jeff had his head on my belly I had that same feeling. He put his ear on my buldging belly and started talking to her and she started kicking and moving and he could feel it and it was just so beautiful. I don't think I ever felt so happy.
In the meantime getting bigger is not helping me pack. The apartment is all in boxes andI feel totally helpless because I can't do much. My back starts hurting after I pack for about an hour and I can't bend or pick up heavy stuff. My feet swell and hurt and I feel really bad that Jeff has to do most of the work by himself.
But I am very excited that we are moving.
that being said I don't have much time because I need to get my little share of packing while I still have energy.
E
Thursday, October 4, 2007
91 days to go
Or so says my pregnancy calendar says. Looking at it seems like this child will be born very soon I know though that there are countless more hours of backpain, aches, indigestion, huffing and puffing and not sleeping on my stomach.
'After the scare Maddie gave me last week, she is now perfrming double and triple somersaults in between other circus acts in my tummy. I am happy to feel her moving, but at the same time it feels weird. sometimes it makes me laugh- as if someone is tickling me from the inside.
You would think it's weird to feel someone else moving inside you- I mean think about any random person and imagine them in you belly- hipping and hopping left and right, poking you and kicking you. It's not a pleasant thought. Actually it makes me think of the Gaould from Stargate on Sci Fi- it's a bit kreepy. Yet it's your child so you think it normal. Anyway that is what I was thinking when I couldn't sleep this morning. I like getting up early before anyone else is up. I really wouldn't mind it at all if I could have a proper cup of steaming coffee, instead of the coffee flavored milk I sip now and then.
Thinking of this I suspect my daughter will be very fond of cows. I didn't enjoy drinking milk and eating burgers and lasagna until she decided to take residence in my belly. My husband think that mayo is disgusting, but he doesnt realize that ketchup mayo and french fries are the only thing that make a burger edible to me. By the way I didn't eat ketchup or mayo before I got knocked up.
Let's see what else is new. I have a nice zig-zaggy, lopsided lines negra under my bellybutton. If what I have right now can even be called a belly button.
Can't seem to find a birthing class, unless I want to give them $400 for a date I can't even make. So I think I would end up just wing it on my own.Then I can probably start teaching my own class- what to do when you don't know what to do and make $100 an hour for that.-Its quite ridiculous if you think about it. they are trying to cash in on the fact that you are scared and would do anything that makes you somewhat confident that you know what to do. Truth is when the moment comes- you are on your own and trying to remeber which way to breathe in and out won't make the baby come out any faster than it wants to come out.
anyway, that's my outlook on it, so I think that I will buy some books and look up MR. Bradley online and pray that Madison will come out as easy as she got in.
E
'After the scare Maddie gave me last week, she is now perfrming double and triple somersaults in between other circus acts in my tummy. I am happy to feel her moving, but at the same time it feels weird. sometimes it makes me laugh- as if someone is tickling me from the inside.
You would think it's weird to feel someone else moving inside you- I mean think about any random person and imagine them in you belly- hipping and hopping left and right, poking you and kicking you. It's not a pleasant thought. Actually it makes me think of the Gaould from Stargate on Sci Fi- it's a bit kreepy. Yet it's your child so you think it normal. Anyway that is what I was thinking when I couldn't sleep this morning. I like getting up early before anyone else is up. I really wouldn't mind it at all if I could have a proper cup of steaming coffee, instead of the coffee flavored milk I sip now and then.
Thinking of this I suspect my daughter will be very fond of cows. I didn't enjoy drinking milk and eating burgers and lasagna until she decided to take residence in my belly. My husband think that mayo is disgusting, but he doesnt realize that ketchup mayo and french fries are the only thing that make a burger edible to me. By the way I didn't eat ketchup or mayo before I got knocked up.
Let's see what else is new. I have a nice zig-zaggy, lopsided lines negra under my bellybutton. If what I have right now can even be called a belly button.
Can't seem to find a birthing class, unless I want to give them $400 for a date I can't even make. So I think I would end up just wing it on my own.Then I can probably start teaching my own class- what to do when you don't know what to do and make $100 an hour for that.-Its quite ridiculous if you think about it. they are trying to cash in on the fact that you are scared and would do anything that makes you somewhat confident that you know what to do. Truth is when the moment comes- you are on your own and trying to remeber which way to breathe in and out won't make the baby come out any faster than it wants to come out.
anyway, that's my outlook on it, so I think that I will buy some books and look up MR. Bradley online and pray that Madison will come out as easy as she got in.
E
Sunday, September 30, 2007
How does it feel to be Jewish?
Honestly not much different than I felt before. It was a great Friday night Service and the Rabbi was as sweet as always. We said a prayer and I read a passage from the book of Ruth and I got a certificate stating that I have diligently studied Judaism( and we already spilled olive oil from the leftovers of our Italian dinner on it)It was a really beautiful ceremony but I don't really feel anymore Jewish than I felt before. I think that comes with time. During the service I was thinking that the conversion is not the goal we have studied to achieve, it's the beginning of a lifelong journey to explore who we are and what exactly is our relationship with God.
OK, enough theological rambling.It has been a while since I have written and I wanted to write so many things but forgot most of them any way. I'll have to do with what my invalid pregnant brain remembers.
We flew to San Francisco and that was not a pleasant flight. Despite my best efforts to stay hydrated and walk around every 20 minutes or so my calves were the size of a fire hydrant, throbbing and hurting and looking gross.
The landing got a bit rough so all safety instructions aside I got up as we were about to touch ground and waddled down the aisle, where a seated flying attendant forgot all he was ever taught about safe landings and just pointed me to the lavatory, strongly suggesting that he did not wish to clean up a mess after me in the main cabin. Despite all the turbulence I threw up safely and returned to my seat while we were approaching our gate.
By the next morning I was fine and ready to enjoy my stay in SF.
We drove down to Carmel where we stayed overnight. It is a gorgeous little town but quite bring if you don't have enough money to spend $100 on meals and shop in unbelievably overpriced boutiques.WE drove down to Big Sur and fell asleep on Pfeiffer beach.
On the way back we stopped at Monterey but instead of visiting the Aquarium we found a nice Mexican restaurant overlooking the bay and enjoyed our fajitas while watching a lazy sea lion sunbathe for over an hour and three more active ones jumping in and out of the water.
It was quite a nice trip yet I think I prefer the wine country.
We had a day back in NY on thrusday where I had to meet 3 brokers, go to 2 Doctor's appts, have a glucose test done and go to school. And on top of all that I managed to see my friend Hris visiting from Vegas with her Family.
Early Friday morning we headed to Tampa and I converted to Judaism- I went over that already.
I think all this commotion and flying right and left tired and Maddie and she became very quiet and scared because I wouldn't feel her move for very long periods of time.Then by the time we drove from Tampa to Boca Raton I wasn't feeling very well and spent the rest of the day in bed trying to catch a movement in my belly.
By nighttime, however, I was feeling better and she started to move and by the time I was trying to go to sleep she started kicking again.
So in a nutshell this was my week.
OK, enough theological rambling.It has been a while since I have written and I wanted to write so many things but forgot most of them any way. I'll have to do with what my invalid pregnant brain remembers.
We flew to San Francisco and that was not a pleasant flight. Despite my best efforts to stay hydrated and walk around every 20 minutes or so my calves were the size of a fire hydrant, throbbing and hurting and looking gross.
The landing got a bit rough so all safety instructions aside I got up as we were about to touch ground and waddled down the aisle, where a seated flying attendant forgot all he was ever taught about safe landings and just pointed me to the lavatory, strongly suggesting that he did not wish to clean up a mess after me in the main cabin. Despite all the turbulence I threw up safely and returned to my seat while we were approaching our gate.
By the next morning I was fine and ready to enjoy my stay in SF.
We drove down to Carmel where we stayed overnight. It is a gorgeous little town but quite bring if you don't have enough money to spend $100 on meals and shop in unbelievably overpriced boutiques.WE drove down to Big Sur and fell asleep on Pfeiffer beach.
On the way back we stopped at Monterey but instead of visiting the Aquarium we found a nice Mexican restaurant overlooking the bay and enjoyed our fajitas while watching a lazy sea lion sunbathe for over an hour and three more active ones jumping in and out of the water.
It was quite a nice trip yet I think I prefer the wine country.
We had a day back in NY on thrusday where I had to meet 3 brokers, go to 2 Doctor's appts, have a glucose test done and go to school. And on top of all that I managed to see my friend Hris visiting from Vegas with her Family.
Early Friday morning we headed to Tampa and I converted to Judaism- I went over that already.
I think all this commotion and flying right and left tired and Maddie and she became very quiet and scared because I wouldn't feel her move for very long periods of time.Then by the time we drove from Tampa to Boca Raton I wasn't feeling very well and spent the rest of the day in bed trying to catch a movement in my belly.
By nighttime, however, I was feeling better and she started to move and by the time I was trying to go to sleep she started kicking again.
So in a nutshell this was my week.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
It is so real!!
First of all Congratulations Karen, for your baby boy Oliver who finally decided to come- I think he actually came on his due date but I know you were happy to get him out of you.
Hope everything is well and hope to hear from you soon.
Me, I am doing great, my scale keeps trying to convince me that I weigh 150 lbs but I don't trust it any more.
Little Madison is performing giant acrobatic routines in my womb, I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as I am. The hiccups are not the most pleasant experiece in the world but other than that she makes me laugh.
I feel like I have my own little personal friend growing inside of me. I didn't even feel lonely when Jeff went away for two days, because I had the company of little precious Maddi.
My doctor laughed at me and said they will be betting on when I ask for drugs, all that because I said I would like to try a natural birth with no drugs. I don't kow if I will be able to do it but it is worth a try. I am even contmeplating on whjether I should go to birthing classes- I feel confident that my body will know what to do and I just need to follow my natural instincts. I would like to go so I find out the logistics like when to call the doctor and when to go to the hospital but I am not sure that i want to spend $270 for that- I can just ask the doctor.
Meanwhile I am feelng more and more happy with myself and the world around me- I think Madison is already making me a better person.
Or may be it is my therapist. I am not sure what exactly it is that helps but I feel more at home with my own fears and issues. Talking crtainly helps but also those conversations stimulate my own internal dialogue( the same one i have been trying to quiet for so long) and I ask myself questions that have not poped into my mind yet. Why am I insecure?
Why do I expect criticims every step of the way and can't accept when its constuctively given to me. How exactly does that relate to my relationship with my parents? what relationship do I want to have with my parents?
well, I would like to be able to have a civil relationship with them and i would like to not feel uncomfortable around them but don't know how to go about it.
Why do I always seek other's approval or criticism and care so much of what others think? Is it because I crave attention, or because I want some kind of reaction that i never got from my parents. I think that once i get to the bottom of all this I will be much more comfotable with my life.
I have now stopped rushing throuh everything and enjoy every litlle second of every action. I recognize that I have the time for everything.
I have stopped thinking that I have wasted my life instead i think that I have all the time in the world and so many moments to enjoy ahead of me.
I can't wait to meet my little girl and have so much fun with her. I can't wait to read her bedtime stories and paint and run in the park and clean up the mess of her lunch. somehow this tiny little person inside me has turned my world around and .... Wow,it's a wonderful world.
E
Hope everything is well and hope to hear from you soon.
Me, I am doing great, my scale keeps trying to convince me that I weigh 150 lbs but I don't trust it any more.
Little Madison is performing giant acrobatic routines in my womb, I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as I am. The hiccups are not the most pleasant experiece in the world but other than that she makes me laugh.
I feel like I have my own little personal friend growing inside of me. I didn't even feel lonely when Jeff went away for two days, because I had the company of little precious Maddi.
My doctor laughed at me and said they will be betting on when I ask for drugs, all that because I said I would like to try a natural birth with no drugs. I don't kow if I will be able to do it but it is worth a try. I am even contmeplating on whjether I should go to birthing classes- I feel confident that my body will know what to do and I just need to follow my natural instincts. I would like to go so I find out the logistics like when to call the doctor and when to go to the hospital but I am not sure that i want to spend $270 for that- I can just ask the doctor.
Meanwhile I am feelng more and more happy with myself and the world around me- I think Madison is already making me a better person.
Or may be it is my therapist. I am not sure what exactly it is that helps but I feel more at home with my own fears and issues. Talking crtainly helps but also those conversations stimulate my own internal dialogue( the same one i have been trying to quiet for so long) and I ask myself questions that have not poped into my mind yet. Why am I insecure?
Why do I expect criticims every step of the way and can't accept when its constuctively given to me. How exactly does that relate to my relationship with my parents? what relationship do I want to have with my parents?
well, I would like to be able to have a civil relationship with them and i would like to not feel uncomfortable around them but don't know how to go about it.
Why do I always seek other's approval or criticism and care so much of what others think? Is it because I crave attention, or because I want some kind of reaction that i never got from my parents. I think that once i get to the bottom of all this I will be much more comfotable with my life.
I have now stopped rushing throuh everything and enjoy every litlle second of every action. I recognize that I have the time for everything.
I have stopped thinking that I have wasted my life instead i think that I have all the time in the world and so many moments to enjoy ahead of me.
I can't wait to meet my little girl and have so much fun with her. I can't wait to read her bedtime stories and paint and run in the park and clean up the mess of her lunch. somehow this tiny little person inside me has turned my world around and .... Wow,it's a wonderful world.
E
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
really buldging now
AS my belly is getting bigger so is my apetite- I don't even bother to weigh myself anymore. I know I've probably hit my own 150lb limit and it doesn't seem like I will stop gaining weight. But I have also accepted it and am just happy and trying to provide the best nutrition possible for my little Madison.
She is kicking and twirling more than ever and it's so much fun when you can see my belly move. I can't wait to see a foot or a hand on my belly.
I feel great and enjoy my cardio exercises and doing yoga so I've decided thatI won't let a few extra pounds bother me.
I am getting used to wear bras now that I'm in competition with Pamela Anderson in my bust measurements. It's not the most comfortable thing in the world but I'd rather be uncomfortable than have boobs hanging down to my waist.
I would definitily recommend taking fish oil or other DHA vitamin to all knocked up women. I blame that supplement for making me feel so great and for my mood beeing so good all the time and obviously it makes the kid smarter. So especially if I like me you don't likeeating fish drink up the wonderful fish oil- mine has a strawberry taste, so I feel like I am taking candy.
Officially in the sixth month now I feel like I have passed the worst. Even delivery doesn't bother me any more. I feel plenty positive that everything will be OK. I still need to take a child birthing class but even without it I feel confient that my body will know what to do.
E
She is kicking and twirling more than ever and it's so much fun when you can see my belly move. I can't wait to see a foot or a hand on my belly.
I feel great and enjoy my cardio exercises and doing yoga so I've decided thatI won't let a few extra pounds bother me.
I am getting used to wear bras now that I'm in competition with Pamela Anderson in my bust measurements. It's not the most comfortable thing in the world but I'd rather be uncomfortable than have boobs hanging down to my waist.
I would definitily recommend taking fish oil or other DHA vitamin to all knocked up women. I blame that supplement for making me feel so great and for my mood beeing so good all the time and obviously it makes the kid smarter. So especially if I like me you don't likeeating fish drink up the wonderful fish oil- mine has a strawberry taste, so I feel like I am taking candy.
Officially in the sixth month now I feel like I have passed the worst. Even delivery doesn't bother me any more. I feel plenty positive that everything will be OK. I still need to take a child birthing class but even without it I feel confient that my body will know what to do.
E
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Psychoanalysis??
I get to see a psychologist today. Or a psychiatrist- never really figured out who is who but it doesn't really matter any way.
My mood swings have hit an all time high and I think I need some help to handle all the up and down and in between.
The Dr sounded very nice so I am actually looking forward to it.
Baby shower preparations are going great I just mailed out all the invitations and am looking forward to it.
Meanwhile little Madison Lorelai is kicking and kicking- I understand you're bored, honey, but have some pity on your mommy's tummy- it's enough that it's sticking two feet infront of me. I enjoy looking at my tummy and waiting for her to kick because it makes funy movements- no freaky legs or arms yet, but I feel like that's her way of talking to me. She kicks and I poke her and we are playing already.
I really can't wait to meet her. I am sure it will be awesome. I already have ahole list of things I want her to try- swimming, dancing, tennis, playing the piano, drawing and I wonder what she would like best.
There she is kicking again- I guess she knows i am talking about her.
sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if she can hear my toughts and I ca hear hers- that would be so cool.
I have been really wacky dreams- wackier than the first trimester's. It's very entertaining. and contrary to everything I read I have no problem sleeping. May be I am not big enough yet. Although if you ask me 20 lb should be enough weight for me to loose sleep over. Everyone says I'll loose it really fast but I am afraid that I would have a sack of potatoes for a stomach for the rest of my life.
It's funny really because every time I look down I get surprised that my stomach is sticking out. I don't feel it beeing so big. then of course i do feel it every time I try to bend and relaize I can't do it any more.
Well, gotta go. I am seeing my thrapist- I just always wanted to say that.
E
My mood swings have hit an all time high and I think I need some help to handle all the up and down and in between.
The Dr sounded very nice so I am actually looking forward to it.
Baby shower preparations are going great I just mailed out all the invitations and am looking forward to it.
Meanwhile little Madison Lorelai is kicking and kicking- I understand you're bored, honey, but have some pity on your mommy's tummy- it's enough that it's sticking two feet infront of me. I enjoy looking at my tummy and waiting for her to kick because it makes funy movements- no freaky legs or arms yet, but I feel like that's her way of talking to me. She kicks and I poke her and we are playing already.
I really can't wait to meet her. I am sure it will be awesome. I already have ahole list of things I want her to try- swimming, dancing, tennis, playing the piano, drawing and I wonder what she would like best.
There she is kicking again- I guess she knows i am talking about her.
sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if she can hear my toughts and I ca hear hers- that would be so cool.
I have been really wacky dreams- wackier than the first trimester's. It's very entertaining. and contrary to everything I read I have no problem sleeping. May be I am not big enough yet. Although if you ask me 20 lb should be enough weight for me to loose sleep over. Everyone says I'll loose it really fast but I am afraid that I would have a sack of potatoes for a stomach for the rest of my life.
It's funny really because every time I look down I get surprised that my stomach is sticking out. I don't feel it beeing so big. then of course i do feel it every time I try to bend and relaize I can't do it any more.
Well, gotta go. I am seeing my thrapist- I just always wanted to say that.
E
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
It's a girl
Yep, good bye Max. Hello Madison Lorelai.
It took me a good day to recover from the news that I am not having a boy but hey I got over it. I am happy- a little diappointed but I am happy. I wouldn't make my child feel unwanted just because of the sex. It's a bundle of joy either way
On the bright side everything is good and the baby is healthy, I have a great picure of her foot and she is kicking more than ever.
A lot of people seem to be extemely happy that it's a girl. Her daddy is happy and already calling her Maddi. And I have decided that i will keep on popping kids out until I get my Max- this is just the beginning, thak god I have at least another 15 good childbearing years.
I went to register yesterday and all the pink is scaring me so I am getting everything in green and yellow and purple. Good part of having a girl is that I don't really need to buy clothes b/c I'll have clothes handed down enough for 3 babies.
E
It took me a good day to recover from the news that I am not having a boy but hey I got over it. I am happy- a little diappointed but I am happy. I wouldn't make my child feel unwanted just because of the sex. It's a bundle of joy either way
On the bright side everything is good and the baby is healthy, I have a great picure of her foot and she is kicking more than ever.
A lot of people seem to be extemely happy that it's a girl. Her daddy is happy and already calling her Maddi. And I have decided that i will keep on popping kids out until I get my Max- this is just the beginning, thak god I have at least another 15 good childbearing years.
I went to register yesterday and all the pink is scaring me so I am getting everything in green and yellow and purple. Good part of having a girl is that I don't really need to buy clothes b/c I'll have clothes handed down enough for 3 babies.
E
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The mood rollercoaster
The greateest week of my life isover and now I am back into the slumps of feeling not so great. I wish it could have lasted longer but like every good thing my good mood came to an end.
Now it makes sense to me why my doctor asked if I get depressed when I told him I get really bad headaches. As soon as I start feeling blue my head starts splitting in two and I get hot and cold flashes- it feels like way too ealry menopause but at least I'll know what to expect when I am 50.
I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so hopefully he'll have some kind of solution up his sleeve, and on tuesday I should finally have the answer on the never ceasing question of whether it's a boy or a girl.
Baby shower is set for the 21 of October- a little earlier than planned but hey whatever makes everyone happy. I have decided that I want to make my own invitations and am currently fighting with all the creative program's in my computer to figurre out how do make something decent. I think that should be something fun to do, some kind of excitement in the midst of School and writing papers about the Jewish sufferings for the past 3000 years.
Now that we had a week of cool rainy weather I can't wait for the fall so I don't have to sweat out of my ass every time I go outside.
Still a little worried that I am gaining more weight than I should but I try to go to the gym and I 'm sorry that I won't be able to go to Lori's prenatal yoga any more b/c my membership at YMCA expires on Labor day- now I'll have to find a different prenatal yoga or try to motivate myself to do it at home.
Really looking forward to moving and to going to San Fran- that's the excitement I have between regularly taking fish oil and carefully stepping on the scale, holding my breath, and trying not to look at the numbers zooming in front of my eyes.
E
Now it makes sense to me why my doctor asked if I get depressed when I told him I get really bad headaches. As soon as I start feeling blue my head starts splitting in two and I get hot and cold flashes- it feels like way too ealry menopause but at least I'll know what to expect when I am 50.
I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so hopefully he'll have some kind of solution up his sleeve, and on tuesday I should finally have the answer on the never ceasing question of whether it's a boy or a girl.
Baby shower is set for the 21 of October- a little earlier than planned but hey whatever makes everyone happy. I have decided that I want to make my own invitations and am currently fighting with all the creative program's in my computer to figurre out how do make something decent. I think that should be something fun to do, some kind of excitement in the midst of School and writing papers about the Jewish sufferings for the past 3000 years.
Now that we had a week of cool rainy weather I can't wait for the fall so I don't have to sweat out of my ass every time I go outside.
Still a little worried that I am gaining more weight than I should but I try to go to the gym and I 'm sorry that I won't be able to go to Lori's prenatal yoga any more b/c my membership at YMCA expires on Labor day- now I'll have to find a different prenatal yoga or try to motivate myself to do it at home.
Really looking forward to moving and to going to San Fran- that's the excitement I have between regularly taking fish oil and carefully stepping on the scale, holding my breath, and trying not to look at the numbers zooming in front of my eyes.
E
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Kicking like he wants to get out!
After almost 9 long, very long years I finally got a stamp on my passport stating, with many $2 words that I can leave the country and come back here with no problem. I have wanted and waited for this for so long it doesn't even seemed important any more- it just seemed like something that was supposed to happen long time ago but was delayed indefinitely.
It makes me feel 20 lb lighter ( i wish it was true) to know that I can actually get on a plane and go to aplce that doesn't belong to the US. So many places I want to go, so many places I want to see I don't know where to start. One little bump on my way however is growing bigger and bigger in my uterus. I think he is excited for his mommy because he has been kicking like crazy this week. It is a really wonderful experience- I finally am convinced that there is someone growing inside my tummy and that we will get along really great.
It has been a really great week and I feel great- I don't think that i have ever had so much evnergy and been in such a good mood for so long. I am enjoyiing while it last. My anxiety about the last months and labor is not easing up and I don't think it ever will. My friend Karen who is expecting any minute now up in boston is feeling terrible and got a scare b/c she tought her water broke. All these stories don't make me feel any better. I tried to watch some movies about birth to educate myself thinking that that would make me more educated and calm me down. But the only outcome of watching other women give birth is me being grateful that I don't have to see what midwives and OBs see. It made me wonder why people decide to make this their carrer b/c it is disgusting.
So I figure out that there is no way around labor and now I am onl praying that it won't last too long.
E
It makes me feel 20 lb lighter ( i wish it was true) to know that I can actually get on a plane and go to aplce that doesn't belong to the US. So many places I want to go, so many places I want to see I don't know where to start. One little bump on my way however is growing bigger and bigger in my uterus. I think he is excited for his mommy because he has been kicking like crazy this week. It is a really wonderful experience- I finally am convinced that there is someone growing inside my tummy and that we will get along really great.
It has been a really great week and I feel great- I don't think that i have ever had so much evnergy and been in such a good mood for so long. I am enjoyiing while it last. My anxiety about the last months and labor is not easing up and I don't think it ever will. My friend Karen who is expecting any minute now up in boston is feeling terrible and got a scare b/c she tought her water broke. All these stories don't make me feel any better. I tried to watch some movies about birth to educate myself thinking that that would make me more educated and calm me down. But the only outcome of watching other women give birth is me being grateful that I don't have to see what midwives and OBs see. It made me wonder why people decide to make this their carrer b/c it is disgusting.
So I figure out that there is no way around labor and now I am onl praying that it won't last too long.
E
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
when you actually know that you are showing
Yesterday I was offered a seat on the train. That's how i knew that now you can tell I am pregnant.
Of course it was an elderly lady who obviously had varicose veins so i remained standing. What bugs me though is that none of twenty or more guys sitting comfrtably, noticed my buldging belly. When I finally saw a seat free up because a 6 ft tall guy in his teenage years had to get off, and aimed for it, the guy sitting on the next seat moved over so I had to sit down on a seat that was partially wet.
So where have all the gentlemen gone?
Not to mention that there are seats designated for the disabled, but none for pregnant women. Walking on the street I see a lot more pregnant women than disabled people.
On a different note, my doctor, whom i haven't met yet, seems very nice. He called me personally as he had promised about the sonogram that insurance won't pay for. I of course was too busy going to the supermarket twice, because I went shopping with my banking card rather than my credit card- one of those dimentia moments caused by pregnancy. I was staring at the bank card for twenty minutes and couldn't figure out why it is declined, until I fianlly realized I had to go home and get the real card.
It was all worth- my first ever homemade tuna salad turned out great ( a little too much mayo and not enough pickles but very tasty). I have had, I wouldn't call it a craving, but a desire to eat tuna salad and decided to make it. I know it's not very good for pregnancy because of mercury levels, but i figured once every five moths would be ok.
My Green card interview is today so wish me luck!
E
Of course it was an elderly lady who obviously had varicose veins so i remained standing. What bugs me though is that none of twenty or more guys sitting comfrtably, noticed my buldging belly. When I finally saw a seat free up because a 6 ft tall guy in his teenage years had to get off, and aimed for it, the guy sitting on the next seat moved over so I had to sit down on a seat that was partially wet.
So where have all the gentlemen gone?
Not to mention that there are seats designated for the disabled, but none for pregnant women. Walking on the street I see a lot more pregnant women than disabled people.
On a different note, my doctor, whom i haven't met yet, seems very nice. He called me personally as he had promised about the sonogram that insurance won't pay for. I of course was too busy going to the supermarket twice, because I went shopping with my banking card rather than my credit card- one of those dimentia moments caused by pregnancy. I was staring at the bank card for twenty minutes and couldn't figure out why it is declined, until I fianlly realized I had to go home and get the real card.
It was all worth- my first ever homemade tuna salad turned out great ( a little too much mayo and not enough pickles but very tasty). I have had, I wouldn't call it a craving, but a desire to eat tuna salad and decided to make it. I know it's not very good for pregnancy because of mercury levels, but i figured once every five moths would be ok.
My Green card interview is today so wish me luck!
E
Sunday, August 12, 2007
smiley faces
Reading back the posts I think i sound way too negative and one might get the impression that I hate being pregnant and that I would hate my baby. This is very very untrue, I am trilled to have a baby, not so trilled with the pregnancy but I am happy. I think this would be an experience that would make me more mature and teach me patience and give me other qualities that I lack.
Most of all I am happy to have a child with such an awesome person as my husband. I know he will be great and we'll have so much fun raising our kid.
I tend to express my feelings better when I am upset or depressed and that is probably why this blog such a negative overtone, but that is not the general mod of my pregnancy.
Even when I am very depressed or down or upset at something I see a baby in a stroller on the street and I smile to myself because I know that I will soon have one of those little soft squashy bodies to hug and kiss and I can't wait.
What I fear most is that something may be wrong with the baby and I don't want to bring into the world a person who won't be able to enjoy life to the fulest. But I guess every mother has those fears.
I worry sometimes execessvely - Jeff hit me with a tennis ball in the ribs yesterday while he was teaching me to play net and I worry that something is wrong with the baby. I know he should be fine- the ball hit me too high and I don't think it even affested the baby but I would like to have it checked. This might be a good reason for the insurance to pay for my next sonogram b/c they are refusing to pay for it since i am under 35 and there is nothing wrong with me. That is supposed to be "big" sonogram wher i find out the sex, but I am not paying $500 for that privilege.
E
Most of all I am happy to have a child with such an awesome person as my husband. I know he will be great and we'll have so much fun raising our kid.
I tend to express my feelings better when I am upset or depressed and that is probably why this blog such a negative overtone, but that is not the general mod of my pregnancy.
Even when I am very depressed or down or upset at something I see a baby in a stroller on the street and I smile to myself because I know that I will soon have one of those little soft squashy bodies to hug and kiss and I can't wait.
What I fear most is that something may be wrong with the baby and I don't want to bring into the world a person who won't be able to enjoy life to the fulest. But I guess every mother has those fears.
I worry sometimes execessvely - Jeff hit me with a tennis ball in the ribs yesterday while he was teaching me to play net and I worry that something is wrong with the baby. I know he should be fine- the ball hit me too high and I don't think it even affested the baby but I would like to have it checked. This might be a good reason for the insurance to pay for my next sonogram b/c they are refusing to pay for it since i am under 35 and there is nothing wrong with me. That is supposed to be "big" sonogram wher i find out the sex, but I am not paying $500 for that privilege.
E
Friday, August 3, 2007
under home arrest
I feel like like I have been exiled in my own house.
I don't really go out unless it's for a doctor's appointment and when I do I feel like crap. My body doesn't seem to be able to handle the heat and the humidity very well. I get horrific headaches that made me feel like I can't function.
So I stay home and the more I stay home the less things I want to do. I spend most of the day yesterday lying in bed watching TV show re-runs and sleeping. All that is not making me feel good. I exercise and eat good but I am afraid I will get really depressed unless I find something to really entertain me while I am under home arrest.
I have a ton of things I can do and I should do but just don't seem to get around to doing them because I feel useless.
And the fact that I don't make any money bothers me- I feel guilty every time I spend money, even if it is just to buy food- I wish there was soemthing I could do from home and make money.
I 've decided I want to write children books but I can't seem to get around to do that either because I just feel so lousy.
May be I am already depressed.
I am so tired of the same old routine every day- get up, take a shower, have breakfast and wonder around the house for the rest of the day. It's just terrible- I need some change.
And the change is not going to just fall from the sky- i Will have to make the change but I don't know where to start.
I would like to cook more but it's kind of hard to cook up something just for yourself and Jeff is often not home for dinner.
I can feel the headache creeping up on me again.... aaggghhhhh......
I don't really go out unless it's for a doctor's appointment and when I do I feel like crap. My body doesn't seem to be able to handle the heat and the humidity very well. I get horrific headaches that made me feel like I can't function.
So I stay home and the more I stay home the less things I want to do. I spend most of the day yesterday lying in bed watching TV show re-runs and sleeping. All that is not making me feel good. I exercise and eat good but I am afraid I will get really depressed unless I find something to really entertain me while I am under home arrest.
I have a ton of things I can do and I should do but just don't seem to get around to doing them because I feel useless.
And the fact that I don't make any money bothers me- I feel guilty every time I spend money, even if it is just to buy food- I wish there was soemthing I could do from home and make money.
I 've decided I want to write children books but I can't seem to get around to do that either because I just feel so lousy.
May be I am already depressed.
I am so tired of the same old routine every day- get up, take a shower, have breakfast and wonder around the house for the rest of the day. It's just terrible- I need some change.
And the change is not going to just fall from the sky- i Will have to make the change but I don't know where to start.
I would like to cook more but it's kind of hard to cook up something just for yourself and Jeff is often not home for dinner.
I can feel the headache creeping up on me again.... aaggghhhhh......
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
My husband drilled a whole in the gas tank
Now, not many women can say that about their husbands. And if they could they would be mad because they are stuck in Long Island with no clear way of coming back home, no car and a whole pile of groceries and laundry.
I wasn't mad, I wasn't even tiny bit angry because I know my husband always has something up his sleeve and never considers himself stuck into something- there is always a way out for him.
That is one of the many reasons why i love my husband so much - nothing is too much hassle for Jeff.
That's why I am sure he would be such a wonderful dad- I know it wouldn't be too much trouble to travel with the kid, go away on vacation.
He might decide to squeeze the kid's belly right after lunch or let him play with a kitchen knife but hey- no one is perfect.
In the meantime I just watch myself expand by the minute- my belly is stretching and stretching and I feel like it can't go any more but then the next morning it is a little bit bigger. I know I can feel the baby moving even though it is very subtle.
Jeff claimed he felt his heartbeat the other night, which made me laugh because I am not sure if that is possible- and if its I would like to feel it too.
I am very excited today. some days are more scary than others, when you realize that you have no idea how to do certain stuff- like breastfeeding or pumping- I was staring at the breaspump my sister in law is giving me this weekend and I could not figure it out for the life of me. Baby clothes?- I am sure my child will be taken out for a stroll in his pijamas and I won't even realize it.
I have an appointment with my new doctor on monday and I wonder if they would be able to tell me whether it's a boy or a girl....
E
I wasn't mad, I wasn't even tiny bit angry because I know my husband always has something up his sleeve and never considers himself stuck into something- there is always a way out for him.
That is one of the many reasons why i love my husband so much - nothing is too much hassle for Jeff.
That's why I am sure he would be such a wonderful dad- I know it wouldn't be too much trouble to travel with the kid, go away on vacation.
He might decide to squeeze the kid's belly right after lunch or let him play with a kitchen knife but hey- no one is perfect.
In the meantime I just watch myself expand by the minute- my belly is stretching and stretching and I feel like it can't go any more but then the next morning it is a little bit bigger. I know I can feel the baby moving even though it is very subtle.
Jeff claimed he felt his heartbeat the other night, which made me laugh because I am not sure if that is possible- and if its I would like to feel it too.
I am very excited today. some days are more scary than others, when you realize that you have no idea how to do certain stuff- like breastfeeding or pumping- I was staring at the breaspump my sister in law is giving me this weekend and I could not figure it out for the life of me. Baby clothes?- I am sure my child will be taken out for a stroll in his pijamas and I won't even realize it.
I have an appointment with my new doctor on monday and I wonder if they would be able to tell me whether it's a boy or a girl....
E
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Peter Pan grounded?
Rumaging through pictures of the past two years I started asking myself whether I am ready to grow up.
Does being a parent mean we can't be kids any more and we can't paly any more?
Certainly not, but the carefree, long summer days are gone and we have responsibility for someone else now.
I feel somehow cheated- no one asked if I was ready to grow up, if I was ready to stop playing and give up my solitary moments. No one asked if my belly was ready to strerch and welcome new life, my breasts to become the size of cantalopes or if I wanted to spend my whole summer taking naps and complaining about pains and aches.
I feel like someone has cut off my wings and grounded me. Peter Pan, who never wanted to grow up all of a sudden can't fly any more and has to figure out how to pump breast milk, change diapers and recognize when the baby is crying because he is in pain or because he is hungry.
Somewhere in the exitement of something new and beyond explanation, of having a little creature that would love me and depend on me I lost my own self.
And now I am not sure whether I am changing because I think that I have to or because with my buldging belly growing out my hormones are telling me to grow up and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Looking at those pictures and at pictures taken now there is a difference in my face, something I don't have a name for but definitely something that isn't there any more.Does that mean that it isn't in me any more. It scares me .
I think it is gone forever. something I would never get back and something i am not sure I was ready to give up yet, or ever.
E
Does being a parent mean we can't be kids any more and we can't paly any more?
Certainly not, but the carefree, long summer days are gone and we have responsibility for someone else now.
I feel somehow cheated- no one asked if I was ready to grow up, if I was ready to stop playing and give up my solitary moments. No one asked if my belly was ready to strerch and welcome new life, my breasts to become the size of cantalopes or if I wanted to spend my whole summer taking naps and complaining about pains and aches.
I feel like someone has cut off my wings and grounded me. Peter Pan, who never wanted to grow up all of a sudden can't fly any more and has to figure out how to pump breast milk, change diapers and recognize when the baby is crying because he is in pain or because he is hungry.
Somewhere in the exitement of something new and beyond explanation, of having a little creature that would love me and depend on me I lost my own self.
And now I am not sure whether I am changing because I think that I have to or because with my buldging belly growing out my hormones are telling me to grow up and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Looking at those pictures and at pictures taken now there is a difference in my face, something I don't have a name for but definitely something that isn't there any more.Does that mean that it isn't in me any more. It scares me .
I think it is gone forever. something I would never get back and something i am not sure I was ready to give up yet, or ever.
E
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
just another hot day
Another great muggy day in NYC.
Weekend at Getaway was great, a little boring but very relaxing.
I was very excited to drive up there by myself ( well with Dino and Bobby for great company). It was the first time I drove for so long and am very proud of myself. There was no accidents on my part except for getting lost a couple of times but at least now I know I can handle driving in NYC. In a way it makes me feel better about being a mother- I still doubt sometimes that I can do it.
Some days I feel like can't wait to meet this baby, some days I am not so sure. But still I am very excited about it.
Sometimes I feel so tired I am not sure I will be able to handle it. sooner or later everything turns out to be ok.
I feel much better now that I went to the doctor's office nad met the nurse- I liked the staff and the place now I just hope I like the doctor as well.
I think I have been feeling him kick in the last couple of days. It feels like little flutters in my stomach but it may be just my imagination and it is only gas. I can't wait to find out what it is.
E
Weekend at Getaway was great, a little boring but very relaxing.
I was very excited to drive up there by myself ( well with Dino and Bobby for great company). It was the first time I drove for so long and am very proud of myself. There was no accidents on my part except for getting lost a couple of times but at least now I know I can handle driving in NYC. In a way it makes me feel better about being a mother- I still doubt sometimes that I can do it.
Some days I feel like can't wait to meet this baby, some days I am not so sure. But still I am very excited about it.
Sometimes I feel so tired I am not sure I will be able to handle it. sooner or later everything turns out to be ok.
I feel much better now that I went to the doctor's office nad met the nurse- I liked the staff and the place now I just hope I like the doctor as well.
I think I have been feeling him kick in the last couple of days. It feels like little flutters in my stomach but it may be just my imagination and it is only gas. I can't wait to find out what it is.
E
Thursday, July 19, 2007
not so buldging belly yet
So week 16 is here but I still don't look pregnant. To every other person on the street I am just another person with too much belly flap. No cravings, no more nausea( not that I had for very long). If it wasn't for the sonograms that show one very squashed skeleton and my very buldging breasts I would still not believe that I was pregnant.
Week 15 was full of drama- my doctor refused to see me because I requested my medical records and my ever dedictated husband had to step into the role of a lawyer. So week 16 found me with a whole bunch of medical records but no Ob/Gyn. I summoned all possible sources to find a good doctor and thanks to many great friends I feel much more confident that I will soon have an awesome doctor who will take good care of me and deliver my baby without any more drama.
Monday I found myself in the Lenox Hill Hospital ( where if everything goes according to plan I would give birth sometime hopefully before decmeber 24th). I had chest pains and headache and over all didn't feel good at all so I grabed a cab and met Jeff in the ER. After many tests including EKG and doppler the freshly new doctor ( first day) send me home with prescriptions to ease my headache and indigestion. Nothing really helps the headache but good old coke. As far as indigestion I am still not convinced it was .
Week 16 found me in much better mood since I am not working any more and actually feel like I have time to breathe and realize that I am pregnant. I think now I can actually enjoy growing a life inside of me, and figure out what needs to be done, bought, organized and still be utterly surprised.
Finally had an opportunity to start a blog- something I have been wanting to do for a while, so I can go back and read this years later and laugh.Also a great way to share my journey with my frineds and may be a whole bunch of strangers.
E
Week 15 was full of drama- my doctor refused to see me because I requested my medical records and my ever dedictated husband had to step into the role of a lawyer. So week 16 found me with a whole bunch of medical records but no Ob/Gyn. I summoned all possible sources to find a good doctor and thanks to many great friends I feel much more confident that I will soon have an awesome doctor who will take good care of me and deliver my baby without any more drama.
Monday I found myself in the Lenox Hill Hospital ( where if everything goes according to plan I would give birth sometime hopefully before decmeber 24th). I had chest pains and headache and over all didn't feel good at all so I grabed a cab and met Jeff in the ER. After many tests including EKG and doppler the freshly new doctor ( first day) send me home with prescriptions to ease my headache and indigestion. Nothing really helps the headache but good old coke. As far as indigestion I am still not convinced it was .
Week 16 found me in much better mood since I am not working any more and actually feel like I have time to breathe and realize that I am pregnant. I think now I can actually enjoy growing a life inside of me, and figure out what needs to be done, bought, organized and still be utterly surprised.
Finally had an opportunity to start a blog- something I have been wanting to do for a while, so I can go back and read this years later and laugh.Also a great way to share my journey with my frineds and may be a whole bunch of strangers.
E
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