Motherhood?

So we were watching that movie motherhood last night- I won't really comment on it because I didn't get to see the whole of it since my lovely daughter was still up at 11:00 pm at night and we had to cut it short.

But anyway, I found it... well depressing, for the lack of a better word. Who wants to watch a movie about their daily reality? Well I certainly don't. I watch movies to escape that reality, which seems by the way to be stuck on repeat for one too many days in a raw sometimes.

It did make me think, however, what does motherhood mean to me...

Well let's start with the thought that I never really imagined or wanted to imagine myself as someone's wife and someone's mother. I never even wanted to grow up. And I was doing fine ( that is probably disputable) but we won't go into that right now.

So here I am with all my ambitious dreams and hopes, being selfish and refusing to grow up. To define grow up- i didn't want to have too many responsibilities, have the freedom to do what I wanted and when I wanted to, pack my 2 bags and leave with one hour notice.

Well, I guess getting married and having a kid fit into my definition of adventure. Then once again I didn't think too much that once I have the kid and the husband they will be here to stay, not even talking about the second one, now I am definitely outnumbered.

It turns out it takes a kid to make you grow up. And when I say grow up sometimes I fear I have turned into my mother. Although that is quite hard, I will have to really loose my marbles to be my mother.

And then I find myself in love with this little creature that took reaallly long time to come out and boom.... my whole life is changed. Now It's not me that comes first any more. It's always her. She is more important than anything else and yes it can be tiring, but when I hear her giggle and she plants a very wet kiss on some part of my face, or when I watch her sleep peacefully at night it is all worth it.

Let's face it motherhood is multifaceted. Some days I feel like supermom. Somedays just slip through my fingers faster than the grains of sand and everything is spinning wildly out of control. Somedays I do say to hell with all my chores and just spend the time to be with her- those are the ones I love most. Somedays I really wish I had a 9 to 5 job and I didn't have to spend all day talking to or about a kid. Somedays I am a good mom and somedays I am a bad mom.

But I am a mom everyday nontheless.

So I guess the answer would be motherhood means everything to me. Both the good and the bad, the funny and the sad, the exhilarating and the depressing. It has become a part of who I am, and who I am is an integral part of the kind of mom I am.

There is a lot more to be said on the subject but having to run for a play date is a part of motherhood I can't ignore...

E

Letting go

Letting go of the fears that have been gripping me, letting go of my expectations and of how I think things should be, letting of caring too much how others feel or what they think of my action...Letting go feels like one big sigh of relief and it feels so good.

Motherhood has now taught me that as well.

I reached the breaking point finally, of trying to push myself too hard to do what I  thought was expected of me, of expecting my daughter to be something she is not. She can be and will be no more or less than what she is- a two year old. And two year old are perfect the way they are. 

Screaming "no" at her all day long, "don't touch this" and "don't do that" was really getting me down. And then I realized I can't go on like this.

She is a kid and that's how she learns. And did I ever stop doing something just because my mother screamed at me? NO.

So letting go of the notions I held tight to for no other reason but habit finally set me free.

And letting go wasn't any different than just seeing things differently. Perceptions defines the limits of our world  and we are the ones that set our perception's limits.

My Lamaze refresher course on Monday made me turn around and see the reality of Madison's birth in a totally new light. For me it was a horrendous experience because it was so far from the expectations I had set for myself.  But when my instructor said "good for you" that I didn't end up with a cesarian after 3 and half hours of pushing made me realize that  it could have been worse. And just because it wasn't what I expected it to be and wanted it to be doesn't make it bad. It just is not what I wanted but sometimes what we don't want  is what we need to get to a place that we want to get to.

So I am now in a very different place- about many things- being pregnant ( although I still can't wait to get it over with), Madison's condition, Max's upcoming birth and my life in general. 

I have been so lost in fear and expectations of what will be and can be that I have forgotten to look at what is right now. And in the end that is what matters. What can "be" cannot come before what "is" now. 

It's funny how little things like that can change your whole life around.....

E

Fear

Although I hardly have time to sit and ponder about this little baby coming into our lives, somehow fear finds a way to creep in.

I am afraid that he's getting too big and I will have to have a C-section. I am afraid that I won't love him enough, that I won't have the same bond with him as I have with Madison.

I am afraid of how she is going to take a new person sharing our lives and attention. Is it going to hurt her or leave her neglected.

I am afraid he won't be as good as Madison was when she was a baby and I will have a really hard time breastfeeding and taking care of him.

I am afraid I won't have enough milk and will have to give formula, and that's not the end of the world but ....

I am afraid having too kids will be too much. I am having trouble with one, and that's because I don't have enough patience with her.

I am afraid something can be wrong with him and God knows that another kid with some kind of medical condition will drive me insane and depressed.

So many things to be afraid of, there is almost no room left for excitement or joy.

I am afraid that I may have hard labor, or that Jeff won't be around when I go into labor, that It would go so quick that I won't make it to the hospital, that there would be no one around to take Madison and I will freak out.

Where do all these fears come from?

I am hoping that this is all natural.... may be. May be I am just going crazy.

Good news is we  are finally getting some speech therapy for Madison. Third time is a charm and EI fianally figured out that she is not talking at the level of a 2 year old. We are having the IFSP meeting next Thursday and her session should start the following week. I am excited. I hope she improves her skills and we'll be communicating better .

Sometimes I need to remind myself to calm down and  take a deep breath..... it's not as easy as it sounds, though.

May be a yoga class can help.....

E