A side note

I Find it that I come back to this, to the blog, to the writing whenever I am in rough waters.

It calms me down, it grounds me, it shows me the way.

In a way the is nothing else I have ever wanted to do than write.

The fountain of inspiration has flourished and dried out many times through the years.
For the past few years i thought it had died out completely.
Yet it came back with a strength like never before.

And now all of a sudden I don't want to write in a darkened room or under my blanket ashamed of what I have to say, censored by the thought of other's opinion.

I have always followed my heart even when gripped with fear.

It has taken me here, so far beyond my imagination .....where could it possibly take me now, that the fear is gone?

E

Leap and the net will appear

So many things now are starting to make sense. So many signs along the way that have lead in only one direction.
And when I think back it makes me smile softly.
May be I am just crazy, or may be I see things that many people are blind for. May be I am dilusional and self desructive or may be I am wiser than I should be.
The truth is probably somewhere in between.
But the truth has many layers. There is no such thing as absolute truth.
There is no such thing as absolute reality.
All the different dimensions from sci fi movies...... They all exist. For each person's mind is a different dimension. And they are all real.

So long I've been trying to look for myself now that I am finally beginning to understand me, is it fair to stop just because it's scary and brutal.

Sometimes we need to stop fighting, just let go and let the flow take us where we need to be.
Let go of all the preconceived notions of what we are and should be of what the world around is and should be. And let it become the beautiful thing that it could be even if it's heartbreaking.

For there is no beauty without pain.

E

I'll come into the darkness

I'll come into the darkness
To see you sleeping
To touch you once again
To see your face lost in a dream.
I'll come into the darkness
To cherish the dreams we both have
I'll come to kiss you
Touch you
Feel you
Make sure you are breathing
I'll come to find out
If the pain that I caused you
Is still within you
I'll come to soothe you
And dry your tears
To stay with you
Until the pain disappears
I'll come to hold your hand
And whisper tiny words
Cry you to sleep
And tuck you in
While you are breathing deep.
I'll come into the darkness
To tell you that I love you
Just a shadow of another day
But if I come in daylight
Would you ask me to stay?

Fast Forward

Has it really been so long?

This outlet of expression has been completely abandoned and out of my mind for over a year.

I doubt anyone even comes to visit any more

But does it matter? It was always more for me to record my thoughts than for anyone else to see.

Censorship has a whole new meaning in the world of social media.

There is hardly any privacy left.

So how much has life changed in the past year. Probably not much. Still living in NY with 2 kids.They are a little bit older, a little bit cuter and a lot more destructive.

How much have I changed? A whole lot....

Lets see can i count the ways

no more braces

nursing is a thing of the past

gone are all the pregnancy clothes and bras :)

exploring size 4

finally made it to South America (as I suspected long to return)

at peace with who I am

working on a business idea

and I guess I turned 30 (but that's not important)

So i guess its time to explore if my buldging belly can continue to exist when my belly isn't bulging any more. And what it is about.

It was about pregnancy, about me, about Madison, about seizures......

Its time to explore what else it could be.

It's been a hard week. both on Madison and on me.

We are starting school today. I am both excited and sad. I know she would love it but I will miss those 3 hours she won't be with me.

She will have her own friends and her own little life.

We already started her OT/PT gym and she is enjoying it because there are so many new things to explore. I was planning to be there with her but she obviously doesn't need me so I just drop her off.

She is tired and she will be even more tired but she will settle.... hopefully.

She is growing up so fast..... and at the same time she is still my little girl.....(tear!)

Max..... oh Max...he won't take a bottle. Won't even go near the formula. He will take my milk from a bottle after a fight and many tears.

The night before I let him cry because I am exhausted from getting up two times night. He cried for about an hour. finally I went in and flipped him on his tummy. He was asleep in five minutes and slept until 8 am.

Last night he didn't make a sound until 6am. Fair enough since he went to bed at 7:30.

Let's hope we are done with midnight awakenings. We are certainly done with midnight feedings. It's unbelievable to me how he can sleep so long at such an early age because Madison was up all hours of the night until after one. I went in around 5:30 to check on him. He was snoring happily with his butt up in the air.

Aside from the bottle he loves food. He has tried bananas, avocados, mangos and last night sweet potatoes. He doesn't waste an ounce and looks for more.

All the stress and hard work is finally slimming me down. Down to 140 finally. Those five pounds have been the hardest to loose.

Somehow I suspect it has something to do with the antibiotics they gave me during labor. Minutes after arriving in postpartum I saw my belly swell up and it has been bloated for about 4 months. Finally I went to a doctor and started taking probiotics. After the expensive brand that sort of helped, I tired the generic brand form Whole Foods.. Lo and behold my belly went down and I started loosing weight.

It's amazing how many dangerous things they do to women in labor and keep us ignorant about!

E

"I'm on a horsey"

We took Madi to fly on the Trapeze again!

This time we got some great shots but again not with our camera. so it might take a while before I post them.

She has gotten very used to it now and enjoys tremendously. She went five times. As much as me and my triceps are sore, I don't know about hers.

She very diligently comes up to the ladder and says " my turn"

While I was up there helping our friends fly I heard her yelling: " Daddy, I am on a horsey!"

I didn't pay attention and obviously neither did my husband.

I finally looked after she yelled " Daddy, I am on a horsey!" a couple of more times....

Who do you think was the horsey?

Poor Max, whol loves being on his tummy had rolled over and Madison had straddled him yelling on top of her lungs " Daddy, I am on a horsey!". The poor kid wasn't even complaining, he loves his sister so much. Thank god he is a big guy.

Obviously I yelled at Jeff to get her off her brother but I couldn't help but laugh.

It's moments like this that I know I did the right thing having a second kid and having it soon, although most of the time I think I was mad to want two kids.

E

Special children

Madison is starting school next week....

I am not sure what that means. I am excited and scared at the same time.

I know she will have a good time but I also feel like I will be missing on what is going on in her life.

May be I am one of those helicopter moms that want to hover around their kids until they are 40. I guess I have to let go at some point.

She has been labeled a special needs child.

I don't know what that needs either. She is getting so many services I need two extra days in the week just to schedule all her therapies.

She has improved greatly since we started with EI (early intervention). It has been quite an experience learning to navigate the world of government sponsored services. it has helped her tremendously. Her language is coming along now. she is probably at the level of a 2 year old now. She is still not running or jumping.

I wonder how much the delays have to do with her meds. We have been lowering the Topomax and every time her language abilities make a leap.

I am hopeful we can take her off of it soon.

Anyway, special needs. It sounds depressing but I found out that it is exactly what it is. My child is special. Every child is special and every child learns differently. It's just a label that has become associated with kids who are heavily hindered in their learning.

I think school will be good for her.

E

Missed opportunities

Every time I read the old posts I wonder I don't write more often.

I wish I had an account of all the things that went by unannounced, unnoticed.

So many memories, so many times I wanted to write and by the time I got to the computer they had vanished from my head.

Where have the last 3 years gone.

I was reading the post from when Madi was born.

Seems like one day we were coming back from the hospital, freaking out about giving her a bath, the next day she was having seizures and we couldn't sweat the little things any more.

Next thing I know she was heavily medicated and I was pregnant again.

Fast forward 9 terrible months and here comes Max.

I cried the first two nights because I didn't want him. I was petrified and wanted things to be back to normal.

Fast forward 5 month ( I am still not sure about the adjective I would use for this time stretch) Max is sitting up and trying out solids; his sister and he adore each other and have so much fun together and here I am thinking about all the missed opportunities to document all the things happening in my life.

It feels like 3 years have passed me by and I have nothing to account for that time, except two beautiful kids. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough.

I have changed. I can't even begin to contemplate how much I have changed.

It's hard to be the only adult in the household but at the same time I enjoy being a kid more than ever.

Sometimes I wonder if there is even a little bit of me left in me.

I just remembered that two days ago, while in Reno, NV I had to jump in the hot tub with my clothes because Madison was having trouble keeping her head over the bubbles. It always amazes me how in moments like these you don't think about it you just jump in to get your child. The owe spent an hour and a half blow drying my jeans and sneakers.

E