It's been a hard week. both on Madison and on me.

We are starting school today. I am both excited and sad. I know she would love it but I will miss those 3 hours she won't be with me.

She will have her own friends and her own little life.

We already started her OT/PT gym and she is enjoying it because there are so many new things to explore. I was planning to be there with her but she obviously doesn't need me so I just drop her off.

She is tired and she will be even more tired but she will settle.... hopefully.

She is growing up so fast..... and at the same time she is still my little girl.....(tear!)

Max..... oh Max...he won't take a bottle. Won't even go near the formula. He will take my milk from a bottle after a fight and many tears.

The night before I let him cry because I am exhausted from getting up two times night. He cried for about an hour. finally I went in and flipped him on his tummy. He was asleep in five minutes and slept until 8 am.

Last night he didn't make a sound until 6am. Fair enough since he went to bed at 7:30.

Let's hope we are done with midnight awakenings. We are certainly done with midnight feedings. It's unbelievable to me how he can sleep so long at such an early age because Madison was up all hours of the night until after one. I went in around 5:30 to check on him. He was snoring happily with his butt up in the air.

Aside from the bottle he loves food. He has tried bananas, avocados, mangos and last night sweet potatoes. He doesn't waste an ounce and looks for more.

All the stress and hard work is finally slimming me down. Down to 140 finally. Those five pounds have been the hardest to loose.

Somehow I suspect it has something to do with the antibiotics they gave me during labor. Minutes after arriving in postpartum I saw my belly swell up and it has been bloated for about 4 months. Finally I went to a doctor and started taking probiotics. After the expensive brand that sort of helped, I tired the generic brand form Whole Foods.. Lo and behold my belly went down and I started loosing weight.

It's amazing how many dangerous things they do to women in labor and keep us ignorant about!

E

"I'm on a horsey"

We took Madi to fly on the Trapeze again!

This time we got some great shots but again not with our camera. so it might take a while before I post them.

She has gotten very used to it now and enjoys tremendously. She went five times. As much as me and my triceps are sore, I don't know about hers.

She very diligently comes up to the ladder and says " my turn"

While I was up there helping our friends fly I heard her yelling: " Daddy, I am on a horsey!"

I didn't pay attention and obviously neither did my husband.

I finally looked after she yelled " Daddy, I am on a horsey!" a couple of more times....

Who do you think was the horsey?

Poor Max, whol loves being on his tummy had rolled over and Madison had straddled him yelling on top of her lungs " Daddy, I am on a horsey!". The poor kid wasn't even complaining, he loves his sister so much. Thank god he is a big guy.

Obviously I yelled at Jeff to get her off her brother but I couldn't help but laugh.

It's moments like this that I know I did the right thing having a second kid and having it soon, although most of the time I think I was mad to want two kids.

E

Special children

Madison is starting school next week....

I am not sure what that means. I am excited and scared at the same time.

I know she will have a good time but I also feel like I will be missing on what is going on in her life.

May be I am one of those helicopter moms that want to hover around their kids until they are 40. I guess I have to let go at some point.

She has been labeled a special needs child.

I don't know what that needs either. She is getting so many services I need two extra days in the week just to schedule all her therapies.

She has improved greatly since we started with EI (early intervention). It has been quite an experience learning to navigate the world of government sponsored services. it has helped her tremendously. Her language is coming along now. she is probably at the level of a 2 year old now. She is still not running or jumping.

I wonder how much the delays have to do with her meds. We have been lowering the Topomax and every time her language abilities make a leap.

I am hopeful we can take her off of it soon.

Anyway, special needs. It sounds depressing but I found out that it is exactly what it is. My child is special. Every child is special and every child learns differently. It's just a label that has become associated with kids who are heavily hindered in their learning.

I think school will be good for her.

E

Missed opportunities

Every time I read the old posts I wonder I don't write more often.

I wish I had an account of all the things that went by unannounced, unnoticed.

So many memories, so many times I wanted to write and by the time I got to the computer they had vanished from my head.

Where have the last 3 years gone.

I was reading the post from when Madi was born.

Seems like one day we were coming back from the hospital, freaking out about giving her a bath, the next day she was having seizures and we couldn't sweat the little things any more.

Next thing I know she was heavily medicated and I was pregnant again.

Fast forward 9 terrible months and here comes Max.

I cried the first two nights because I didn't want him. I was petrified and wanted things to be back to normal.

Fast forward 5 month ( I am still not sure about the adjective I would use for this time stretch) Max is sitting up and trying out solids; his sister and he adore each other and have so much fun together and here I am thinking about all the missed opportunities to document all the things happening in my life.

It feels like 3 years have passed me by and I have nothing to account for that time, except two beautiful kids. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough.

I have changed. I can't even begin to contemplate how much I have changed.

It's hard to be the only adult in the household but at the same time I enjoy being a kid more than ever.

Sometimes I wonder if there is even a little bit of me left in me.

I just remembered that two days ago, while in Reno, NV I had to jump in the hot tub with my clothes because Madison was having trouble keeping her head over the bubbles. It always amazes me how in moments like these you don't think about it you just jump in to get your child. The owe spent an hour and a half blow drying my jeans and sneakers.

E

Me again

Here are my two beautiful babies

I am very happy to have them and so happy that I am not pregnant any more...

I finally feel like my old self again, like me before the babies.

Me being pregnant is not really me. I am starting to realize now that it wasn't only the pregnancy that caused my identity crisis- it is the whole motherhood thing.

I never had the dreams of having kids and family and all that so it is taking a really long time to adjust to that.

I am starting to come to terms with this situations and although I am still struggling it is much easier now that i am not pregnant any more and I know that I will never have to go through it again.

Some people say "never say never" but I am pretty sure that I don't want any more children.

What I want now is to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself.

It is a challenge since all my interests have been put aside for a few years and I have to discover all over again what thrills me.

Some of my interests have shifted tremendously. Most of my friends are married with children now and the hot topics are not hot guys any more but how unhelpful husbands can be, how to get yourself from point A to B with a double stroller or how to get your toddler to eat something healthy and stop biting people.

If someone has the illusion that motherhood doesn't change your life completely they better wake up.

I realize that my identity crisis is also because I didn't have a real definition of myself even before I had kids.

I have worked since 17 to support myself at whatever job fit my school schedule best and never had the experience of a job that I liked, never had the experience of a job that led somewhere. Never had the chance to work or make connections in a field that I was passionate about. Some of it was my own fault, but most of it was circumstantial.

And then before I even graduated my never ending school I was married and pregnant.

So i guess the identity crisis was inevitable.

Hopefully it will lead to something good.

E

Small victories

I made it through the night outnumbered two to one.

It was scary and I was nervous but somehow I bathed Madison and fed them both and put them both to sleep all before 9pm

And we made it through the night without any disasters.

It's the small stuff like that makes me feel that i can do it and that it will get better.

It's small victories that make my day- like going to the bathroom for the first time after my episiotomy, or being able to go to sleep without a painkiller, or finally being able to breastfeed him going out with two kids and bringing them back with no one screaming...

If it wasn't for the small victories I wouldn't make it through most of the days.

E

what makes my baby happy?

After he screamed bloody hell the whole weekend I remembered what made Madison happy in those early weeks....

A very powerful hairdryer next to her.

And guess what - Max likes that too.

He went from a little screaming monster to the happiest baby on the block in 6 seconds.

I have to admit I never thought i would get such a good use of my "Yellow bird" when I bought it 3 years ago.

The problem is that if something happens to that precious item my hair will go back to being frizzy and curly. I am not sure I can handle that....

Max didn't need to be fed until 1:30 am- that's a pretty good 5 hour stretch.

And I think he was screaming and spitting up all weekend b/c every time he cried we fed him more, wondering where he's putting all that food. Someone stuffs you with all that food you'll be uncomfortable too.

I remember my doula used to come and wrap Madison in her little blanket shove a pacifier down her throat, "sshhhhhh" really loudly in her ear and little miss Madison was out like a light. She'd put her in her swing and march me to bed as well. She probably saved me from insanity.

I guess someone might be worried that their baby will get used to all these crutches to go to sleep- but Madison never took a pacifier after she turned 3 months.

I guess the lesson here is - whatever works.

Sometimes we need to think outside the box. this morning as soon as Max started to stir- I turned on the little noise machine that makes spring rain sound and he is still sleeping. He just started crying again and I shoved the paci down his mouth.

I guess there is a secret to have two kids under 3 sleeping at 8:09 on Monday morning.

E

we made it through the first week!!

It's been a long one and full of drama.

I have been wanting to post but didn't have time.

So I'll compile a few posts into one

The war of the raging hormones

I don't think I have ever been so emotional as in the first few days after Max was born.

I am pretty sure I was having anxiety attacks every 5 minutes. I was hyperventilating over the visitors coming overf and crying hysterically over dirty bottles. I spend the second night home crying that I didn't want him and that I was crazy to have another kid. I was even thinking I could give him up for adoption.

I missed my Madison like crazy and just wanted to hug her and spend time with her but couldn't. I wanted everything to go back to before he was pregnant, where I could snuggle with her and wake up and play with her, share my meals and go to the park. Yes, all the things I hated in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Thank God that is over and Yes, I am keeping my baby boy. The pharmacy giving me Oxycodone instead of Percocet might have helped a bit as well. I am afraid I might get addicted. It kills the pain in my behind and it's fine with breast feeding the baby but it slows things down enough to make me feel sane again.

I am also terribly in love with my husband again. But i am not sure if that has to do with the hormones or the fact that he has been fantastic in this first week and that I couldn't have made it without him.

Nursing again!

That has been quite a trip as well. Little Max, who is not so little actually- he not only gained his birth weight back but put on a few extra pounds by Monday, has been quite fussy. He doesn't the breast, cries hysterically and only takes bottles for the first few days. But as soon as I started to accumulate dozens of bottles of breastmilk in my fridge again I decided to try breastfeeding him again and he's totally fine. He still has his moments where he would scream for the bottle but is nursing just fine.

Judaism 101

I was warned not to go to my son's bris- circumcision. But surprisingly I wasn't even nervous. Somehow I managed to get myself and 2 kids ready to leave by 10:30 yesterday, while my husband was still walking in his underwear.

It is actually a quite beautiful ceremony. Of course I was looking at the Cantor's back and not at what he was doing. But as far as pain Max screamed more when I was trying to give him my breast the day we came home. And then he got a gauze pad dipped in wine to suck on and everything was fine. The Cantor gave me the cup with wine and offered that I finish it. I thought he was great- funny and efficient. Walked us through everything and although cleaning him now is a pain in the ass- this too shall pass.

Of course I don't remember half the things I wanted to write now but that is what I have time to get in before the next diaper change.

So long

E

mother of 2

I am the proud owner of two kids now and since the rest of my household is asleep I must be out of my mind to be doing this but here it is.

Max was born on April 7th at 6:05 pm. This one was much faster but I think they do tie for drama.

I went to the hospital at 9:00 am suspecting that my water was leaking. I was pretty sure they would send me back home but instead found myself admitted and hooked up to an IV instead with the promise of Pitocin since there no contractions. Around noon my doctor announced me 1 and long and ordered Cervidel- to thin out the cervix. That's where things started spinning out of control

At 1 pm they placed the Cervidel in.

At 4 pm I was 4 cm and breathing heavy

At 5 pm I was hardly breathing through contractions every 30 sec and I screamed for an Epidural

They refused to check how dialated I was

AT 5:30 I was given an Epidural and felt the urge to push

Now they decided to check me and tell me I was 10 cm

There was no urge to push any more, there was really nothing below my waist

Poor Max got distressed from all the drama so to speed up the delivery they tried to suck him out.

To ease things even more they had to cut me - I couldn't care less- I saw the size of the scissors and just thanked God for Epidurals.

Max was born at 6:05.He was doing great.

My blood pressure was 70 over 20 and my legs felt like rubber.

Fast forward two days later ( no need to comment on hospital food and service) I came home to my other baby who was spending quality time with grandma.

She was wearing 3 mos blue pants and thriving on pizza and chinese leftovers. God, I missed her so much.

I am hoping I will survive tonight and may be even get some sleep.

E

Limbo

Here we are april 4th and no signs of any baby coming yet.

Last week I was told that I am not dilated at all. There has been no sign of labor coming what so ever. I feel like I am living in limbo- neither here nor there. I don't think I can't get any more uncomfortable in my own skin, not to mention my own clothes because they don't fit any more. To say I am grumpy is an understatement. I am out of breath just sitting here. My hips hurt from sleeping on my sides, if you could call that sleeping. I don't think I have had a night's sleep in weeks and I am exhausted. I am tired of being constantly tired, bored of being hungry, and sick of being pregnant.

Yet I feel that he is never coming out. I am cursed to be pregnant forever.

I am afraid my due date is going to come and go and nothing is going to happen. And then he'll be so big they will have to cut him out.

I feel guilty because I can't have good time with Madison. I am constantly yelling at her because I a in a bad mood. I can't run with her and play with her the way I used to, everything is so much effort I just can't do it and the poor thing just wants to have fun. She is climbing on me and trying to snuggle with me as I am writing this. The little pup just wants attention and playtime with her mommy and I just keep ignoring her.

And people with their abnoxious comments just drive me up the wall. Do they really think I want to know what they think about my pregnancy and how big I am?

The days are so long because I just don't have the energy to do all the things I want and have to do. The nights are even longer because I am up every hour.

Is this ever going to end?

Well this is one cheerful post for Easter....Happy Easter!

E

The power of not doing

The impact of simply letting something go or not doing something seems to be very powerful.

I have been trying to find the place where I feel comfortable with not doing for years now and it has never been a success.

Until this wednesday. I was so beat up, and tired and still decided to brave to my yoga class because my ligaments and whatever is left of my muscles really needed some stretching. I was coming from my chiropractor, who discovered that my pubic bone was jammed and "fixed" it but I swear she bruised it in the process. Anyway I have never felt so broken and clumsy in my life.

And that was the first time that I felt it's not only ok but more beneficial for me to take it easy. I really did what felt good. And what felt good was sitting with my back on the wall and leggs crossed while other pregnant women were bending in two. For the first time I didn't feel guilt that "Hey, I should be doing the same thing". And it felt good.

And whether it's just sitting in yoga class, let the dishes pile up in the sink for once, not answer the phone, take a nap instead of doing laundry or just not worry about something I obviously should be worried about the power of not doing is undeniable. It gives you the freedom of the choice. To do or not to do. The ability to say " I am not going to do this right now".

Yes, we all have things to do and they are all very important. But the truth is that they all can wait.

E

Pregnancy Glow?

Second day in a row I was stopped by a stranger and told what a lovely pregnancy glow I have.

and everybody I know is telling me how becoming my pregnancy is.

And I just find it ironic because I simply hate being pregnant. It's not that I have hard pregnancies either. I probably am one of the women to have easiest pregnancies but hate it the most.

It's not only the discomforts which although minor could be very irritating, it's all the things I can't do and shouldn't eat and shouldn't drink.

It's more of an identity crisis for me. I feel like I have lost who I am and let someone take over my body leaving very little space for me, my comfort and my own feelings

Everybody is talking about babies and being pregnant and giving their opinion and advice and asking when my due date is and ...what about me?

Yes everybody asks how I feel but would they be so concerned if I wasn't pregnant. I feel like these little rascals have stolen my identity.

I have hard time finding my own self.

It wasn't bad enough that I sort of lost myself when I became a mother the first time; before I even had the chance to recover my lost soul here comes another identity thief and I am in complete loss for finding my inner peace.

Every time I get excited about something I have to remind myself that I am pregnant and most likely can't do it so I have to wait.

The only sigh of relief comes from the prospective that I won't have to be pregnant ever again. And if you think to tell me that I might change my mind, or never to say never, ooooh I'm saying never and I mean it.

Instead of all the warning on cigarettes and booze they should be giving a warning in big signs on the streets what happens to your body and mental state during pregnancy. I can't think of a better safe sex campaign.

E.

Waiting

So, here we are at 37 weeks today, waiting for little Max to decide to show up.

I think he might decide to come early but then again that may be just wishful thinking on my side.

I don't think it gets any more uncomfortable than this.

My pubic bone hurts every time I move, I can feel my feet swell up whenever I stand for more than 2 minutes, walking anywhere takes so much time I feel I'll never get there. Add the inability to breathe and the ever annoying hunger and you have for blissful 3 more weeks. Who wouldn't wish for early arrival.

On the other side little Max seems to be happy in there, kicking away and enjoying the comfort of my ultra-stretched uterus.

What makes me more anxious and has been the topic of many conversations with girlfriends and strangers with two kids, are the feelings about the second child and the bond , or the lack thereof, with him.

The first 3 months I almost felt almost resentment towards the baby because he was going to come and interrupt my time with Madison. I have passed the resentment phase and am excited about having him, but now I feel sad that things will never be the same, Madison and I will never be alone again, and there will be someone else she has to share our attention with.

She has been very clingy and affectionate lately and refuses to sleep anywhere but our bed. I assume she feels that things are going to be changed by the arrival of her brother. I am sure there will be a period of adjustment for her and I hope it's not too hard for her.

I had this special connection with Madison long before she was born and this time the bond is missing. I don't know if it's because I have less time to pay attention to the little kicker in my womb or because it's a boy, or because whatever but it's a bit unnerving.

With Madison I couldn't wait to meet her because I already knew her and loved her. With Max I want him out because I am annoyed at being pregnant and because I hope I will get know him and love him as well. I guess guilt comes to play a role in this whole parade of feelings as well because, let's face it, I do feel guilty about feeing this way towards my baby. After all I've always wanted to have my Max.

From what I hear from people who have been down this path, those feelings do change once the baby is born. And you love them both the same. But it's still always about the first one. Madison will always be my baby and in the end she will have someone to play with and grow up.

I was alone for 10 years, until my brother was born and it felt very lonely. And with such a tremendous difference I never felt like I had a brother. I still wish I had a sibling because growing up is a tough business and you need a buddy to share the experience with, or to take your frustration on.

E

alone again

So my husband is off.. to China this time and we'll be alone for about a week.

although it does get lonely here somehow it's easier.

May be it's the fact that I don't expect someone to help me so I summon up all my energy, may be I take it easier knowing that there's no help coming. It's probably also the fact that he's not around for me to get angry at him so I am better dealing with Madison. And it is easier to plan meals when it's just the two of us.

I was freaking out for a while that he won't be here when the baby is born but I am over that- it's too early and if it happens it happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. Worrying about it won't do me any good.

Now everybody else is freaking out including my mother in law who is ready to jump on a plane and be here in 3 hours if I need her. she makes me laugh sometimes, although it is nice to know that someone worries about you.

Madison has been talking up a storm. We are about 2 weeks into her Speech Therapy from EI and starting more therapy at Columbia in 2 weeks as well. so we should see improvements fast. She already is doing better with her sounds- I have also been working on stuff with her and I really like it. It's much more productive to play with her when I have a goal in mind- otherwise i get bored quite easily. And then I complain about her attention span- most likely it's genetic.

Looks like we might be able to start some occupational therapy as well. Evaluation showed that she does have some difficulties with her motor planning, which I believe is the problem with the speech as well.

Luckily it's all easy to fix according to the therapists.

She's growing so much . I took her to my doctor's appointment today, something I haven't done since she was 6 months old and she did great. We didn't have to wait long but she was good and it was the first time I didn't take the stroller with me. She enjoyed the taxi ride and the bus ride and I complained when I had to carry her but we made it and I am very proud of her.

My little girl is growing up....

E

Motherhood?

So we were watching that movie motherhood last night- I won't really comment on it because I didn't get to see the whole of it since my lovely daughter was still up at 11:00 pm at night and we had to cut it short.

But anyway, I found it... well depressing, for the lack of a better word. Who wants to watch a movie about their daily reality? Well I certainly don't. I watch movies to escape that reality, which seems by the way to be stuck on repeat for one too many days in a raw sometimes.

It did make me think, however, what does motherhood mean to me...

Well let's start with the thought that I never really imagined or wanted to imagine myself as someone's wife and someone's mother. I never even wanted to grow up. And I was doing fine ( that is probably disputable) but we won't go into that right now.

So here I am with all my ambitious dreams and hopes, being selfish and refusing to grow up. To define grow up- i didn't want to have too many responsibilities, have the freedom to do what I wanted and when I wanted to, pack my 2 bags and leave with one hour notice.

Well, I guess getting married and having a kid fit into my definition of adventure. Then once again I didn't think too much that once I have the kid and the husband they will be here to stay, not even talking about the second one, now I am definitely outnumbered.

It turns out it takes a kid to make you grow up. And when I say grow up sometimes I fear I have turned into my mother. Although that is quite hard, I will have to really loose my marbles to be my mother.

And then I find myself in love with this little creature that took reaallly long time to come out and boom.... my whole life is changed. Now It's not me that comes first any more. It's always her. She is more important than anything else and yes it can be tiring, but when I hear her giggle and she plants a very wet kiss on some part of my face, or when I watch her sleep peacefully at night it is all worth it.

Let's face it motherhood is multifaceted. Some days I feel like supermom. Somedays just slip through my fingers faster than the grains of sand and everything is spinning wildly out of control. Somedays I do say to hell with all my chores and just spend the time to be with her- those are the ones I love most. Somedays I really wish I had a 9 to 5 job and I didn't have to spend all day talking to or about a kid. Somedays I am a good mom and somedays I am a bad mom.

But I am a mom everyday nontheless.

So I guess the answer would be motherhood means everything to me. Both the good and the bad, the funny and the sad, the exhilarating and the depressing. It has become a part of who I am, and who I am is an integral part of the kind of mom I am.

There is a lot more to be said on the subject but having to run for a play date is a part of motherhood I can't ignore...

E

Letting go

Letting go of the fears that have been gripping me, letting go of my expectations and of how I think things should be, letting of caring too much how others feel or what they think of my action...Letting go feels like one big sigh of relief and it feels so good.

Motherhood has now taught me that as well.

I reached the breaking point finally, of trying to push myself too hard to do what I  thought was expected of me, of expecting my daughter to be something she is not. She can be and will be no more or less than what she is- a two year old. And two year old are perfect the way they are. 

Screaming "no" at her all day long, "don't touch this" and "don't do that" was really getting me down. And then I realized I can't go on like this.

She is a kid and that's how she learns. And did I ever stop doing something just because my mother screamed at me? NO.

So letting go of the notions I held tight to for no other reason but habit finally set me free.

And letting go wasn't any different than just seeing things differently. Perceptions defines the limits of our world  and we are the ones that set our perception's limits.

My Lamaze refresher course on Monday made me turn around and see the reality of Madison's birth in a totally new light. For me it was a horrendous experience because it was so far from the expectations I had set for myself.  But when my instructor said "good for you" that I didn't end up with a cesarian after 3 and half hours of pushing made me realize that  it could have been worse. And just because it wasn't what I expected it to be and wanted it to be doesn't make it bad. It just is not what I wanted but sometimes what we don't want  is what we need to get to a place that we want to get to.

So I am now in a very different place- about many things- being pregnant ( although I still can't wait to get it over with), Madison's condition, Max's upcoming birth and my life in general. 

I have been so lost in fear and expectations of what will be and can be that I have forgotten to look at what is right now. And in the end that is what matters. What can "be" cannot come before what "is" now. 

It's funny how little things like that can change your whole life around.....

E

Fear

Although I hardly have time to sit and ponder about this little baby coming into our lives, somehow fear finds a way to creep in.

I am afraid that he's getting too big and I will have to have a C-section. I am afraid that I won't love him enough, that I won't have the same bond with him as I have with Madison.

I am afraid of how she is going to take a new person sharing our lives and attention. Is it going to hurt her or leave her neglected.

I am afraid he won't be as good as Madison was when she was a baby and I will have a really hard time breastfeeding and taking care of him.

I am afraid I won't have enough milk and will have to give formula, and that's not the end of the world but ....

I am afraid having too kids will be too much. I am having trouble with one, and that's because I don't have enough patience with her.

I am afraid something can be wrong with him and God knows that another kid with some kind of medical condition will drive me insane and depressed.

So many things to be afraid of, there is almost no room left for excitement or joy.

I am afraid that I may have hard labor, or that Jeff won't be around when I go into labor, that It would go so quick that I won't make it to the hospital, that there would be no one around to take Madison and I will freak out.

Where do all these fears come from?

I am hoping that this is all natural.... may be. May be I am just going crazy.

Good news is we  are finally getting some speech therapy for Madison. Third time is a charm and EI fianally figured out that she is not talking at the level of a 2 year old. We are having the IFSP meeting next Thursday and her session should start the following week. I am excited. I hope she improves her skills and we'll be communicating better .

Sometimes I need to remind myself to calm down and  take a deep breath..... it's not as easy as it sounds, though.

May be a yoga class can help.....

E

Been silent for too long

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lat wrote.

It's not that  I didn't have anything to say but that i hardly had the time and sometimes the desire to write.

But for the past few days I have been wanting to come back to this.

I had a great time following Madison's development while she was in my belly and I feel like I am missing out on doing the same with Max.

It really has been a long time- I am almost 7 months pregnant and this time we are having a boy- as much as i wanted a boy last time, this time I wanted another girl.  But in the end I am happy with the way it is.

So many things have happened since last May. Madison went through 8 months seizurefree only to start again right before Thanksgiving. I feel like we are back to square 1, although I think I took it better this time.

We had a great birthday party for her but now I definitely feel like we have entered the terrible two's.

I am hoping to go back to school in the fall for my master's.  Cross your fingers I get accepted.

Madison might start pre-school as well, still debating it and the high cost is not the main reason. We were accepted in one school but they refuse to give her Diastat in case of a seizure. To me her safety is the priority and I wouldn't want her to be in danger.

Max is scheduled to arrive on April 11, two days after my birthday although i am hoping not to have the same birthday. It has been a different experience altogether but not one that I have enjoyed. Pregnancy  is not my thing. The first 4 months were horrific with the nausea and fatigue, especially when the excitement is not as great as with the first one.  Since then it has been better but I  have  no appreciation for the bloating, stretching and discomfort of being pregnant. Since I can feel him move I now am more excited but can't wait  for it to be over.

I guess this is why I've had this urgency to write- I feel like I had this connection with Madison even before she was born and I am missing that feeling with him.

I hope that by the time he's born  we'll be more 'n sync with each other.

E