so that years from now we don't ask each other what we were doing all day while i was in labor with Madison here it goes:
We got up around 10:00am and went downtown to pick a humidifier from Auntie Danielle.Then headed to Long Island to drop off uncle Steven's equipment and went to Lowes, Home Depot and Ikea to return stuff. Had lunch at Applebees' and came back around 6:00pm.
Daddy watched the Patriots vs. Giants game and we had some dinner, all that while timing contractions. Mommy took a shower and ever since Daddy has been putting up shelves with me yelling "contraction" across 3 rooms every time one comes and it's over when it's over. we do have a suspicion that my water has broken but again the whole story with the duck and the smelling and the turkey.
I feel tired so I will try to lie down and rest a bit.
who knows what is coming up next.....
E
Saturday, December 29, 2007
if it looks like a duck and smells like a duck it can still be a turkey
Ok I am not sure what the exact saying is. But my my point is this: my ever loving and concerned husband dragged me to the hospital last night b/c he thought my water broke and no matter how much i tried to convince him that it didn't he still believes it did.
It took two hours of waiting to be admitted( Jeff is writing a nasty note about that)and about 40 min of testing to determine that i am not in labor and my water has most probably not broken- just normal discharge.
Since we came back from the hospital I have been having cramps and they have been getting stronger. they started during the night and were about 30 min apart and light enough for me to sleep through ... break for a contraction... the night.
Now they are 5 to 7 min apart and 1 minute long and impossible to ignore. I am still home and very happy because i can do whatever- walking helps so much and ...wine
My concerned and loving husband is putting shelves in the kitchen cabinets( yes it is 12:30 am) and timing my contractions and finding time to film me with his new camera. He is so cute.
I will try to take a nap before we head to the hospital - probably sometime in the small hours of the night. and hopefully we'll meet Maddie some time tomorrow. She is still moving plenty and the pain doesn't concern her much.
well that's all we know for now ...i think there is another contraction coming....
E
It took two hours of waiting to be admitted( Jeff is writing a nasty note about that)and about 40 min of testing to determine that i am not in labor and my water has most probably not broken- just normal discharge.
Since we came back from the hospital I have been having cramps and they have been getting stronger. they started during the night and were about 30 min apart and light enough for me to sleep through ... break for a contraction... the night.
Now they are 5 to 7 min apart and 1 minute long and impossible to ignore. I am still home and very happy because i can do whatever- walking helps so much and ...wine
My concerned and loving husband is putting shelves in the kitchen cabinets( yes it is 12:30 am) and timing my contractions and finding time to film me with his new camera. He is so cute.
I will try to take a nap before we head to the hospital - probably sometime in the small hours of the night. and hopefully we'll meet Maddie some time tomorrow. She is still moving plenty and the pain doesn't concern her much.
well that's all we know for now ...i think there is another contraction coming....
E
Thursday, December 27, 2007
is something happening?
It's 5 am and I can't sleep.One reason is that we went to bed around 9 and no matter how tired i am i can't sleep for so long. another is m sinus headache right above my left eye.
Or may be it's because i think something is starting to happen.
I had a great tantrum last night( over french fries and chicken) and i just wanted to cry. I don't even think it had that much to do with the food Jeff was eating and not sharing but I just wanted to weep and wail for no reason. Somehow after that i felt much better and still feel much more relaxed. I went to bed not feeling the tightness I usually feel in my insides. For the past couple of weeks i have had the feeling that i am squeezing my cervix and whatever other muscles i have down there not letting the baby escape. Now that feeling is gone- i feel like the door has been unlocked and now it only needs some time to open wide and let my daughter in the world.
I felt my underwear being wet and went to check if anything interesting has come out. No the water hasn't broken. I think it's what they call bloody show( although it hasn't really been that bloody)when the mucus plug falls out.
so may be i can't sleep because i am excited that something might happen soon. In my head i go over and over my idea of going to the hospital and giving birth and i don't feel fear of the pain. All that i have read makes me feel strange. May be i am just stupid and will be in for a big surprise. But i believe that the biggest part of pain is our fear of it. and because we are afraid we tighten and forget to breathe and focus on the pain trying desperately to run away from it. Pain is a good thing - it's a way of one's body communicating with their brain. Pain always teaches us something- whether it's to take our finger off the hot oven or change position so that the neck doesn't hurt the following morning, pain is a part of life and it's a part of labor and birth for a reason. And that reason is to fear it.
I feel so calm. It's almost weird. Almost like a calm before the storm. I am in a world where everything feels so soft and fuzzy. May be i am just delirious and need to go back to sleep.
I only wish that i get to meet Madison soon. I keep seeing her in my imagination- a small wiggly thing, like a little kitten, being placed on my chest and blindly looking for my breast. I hope it's not long before i meet her. the waiting is killing me.
I think i am going to go back to the warm comfy bed where my loving husband is sound asleep. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with my tantrums and moodiness.
E
Or may be it's because i think something is starting to happen.
I had a great tantrum last night( over french fries and chicken) and i just wanted to cry. I don't even think it had that much to do with the food Jeff was eating and not sharing but I just wanted to weep and wail for no reason. Somehow after that i felt much better and still feel much more relaxed. I went to bed not feeling the tightness I usually feel in my insides. For the past couple of weeks i have had the feeling that i am squeezing my cervix and whatever other muscles i have down there not letting the baby escape. Now that feeling is gone- i feel like the door has been unlocked and now it only needs some time to open wide and let my daughter in the world.
I felt my underwear being wet and went to check if anything interesting has come out. No the water hasn't broken. I think it's what they call bloody show( although it hasn't really been that bloody)when the mucus plug falls out.
so may be i can't sleep because i am excited that something might happen soon. In my head i go over and over my idea of going to the hospital and giving birth and i don't feel fear of the pain. All that i have read makes me feel strange. May be i am just stupid and will be in for a big surprise. But i believe that the biggest part of pain is our fear of it. and because we are afraid we tighten and forget to breathe and focus on the pain trying desperately to run away from it. Pain is a good thing - it's a way of one's body communicating with their brain. Pain always teaches us something- whether it's to take our finger off the hot oven or change position so that the neck doesn't hurt the following morning, pain is a part of life and it's a part of labor and birth for a reason. And that reason is to fear it.
I feel so calm. It's almost weird. Almost like a calm before the storm. I am in a world where everything feels so soft and fuzzy. May be i am just delirious and need to go back to sleep.
I only wish that i get to meet Madison soon. I keep seeing her in my imagination- a small wiggly thing, like a little kitten, being placed on my chest and blindly looking for my breast. I hope it's not long before i meet her. the waiting is killing me.
I think i am going to go back to the warm comfy bed where my loving husband is sound asleep. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with my tantrums and moodiness.
E
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
No End in sight
So it seems like Madison is not planning on leaving her cozy little shack anytime soon.
Saw the doctor today and I am not even close to being dialated.
My mood swings are back but mostly just being grumpy and bitchy rather than depressed. It's like I am very happy one day and then the next day I am still very happy but irritated that I haven't had contractions or anything else indicating nearing labor.
I guess she has decided to wait for everybody to come back from Holiday vacation and her grandparents will be very happy about that. so is her dad, because he'll be able to finish all the projects he has started- although with him you never know- he always comes up with more stuff to do.
While me I just feel like one big parasite who only sleeps and eats and waddles around.
I can't do much because I get tired so easily and feel like a big blop all the time( i am not sure if blop is an actual word but it means exactly what it sounds like- like big messy, gushy substance blopping on the floor)
I had a great session with my therapist today-she noticed I was grumpy so she had a fun little exercise to do where she just through pieces of information at me and waited for me to reach the conclusions instead of just telling me. I like that game it's fun and it actually put me in much better mood. We talked about Jeff for the first time- and it was fun. No, honey, I still don't have anything bad to say about you.
She said that you get as much out of this relationship as i do which makes me feel like a smaller parasite. Actually talking about Jeff makes me laugh, because he is so funny and full of life. she was trying to make me think how is my relationship with Jeff similar to the relationship with my parents.And I found out that it can't possibly be any similarity because their personalities are sooooo different. And because I have enormous respect for Jeff and know that I have his unconditional acceptance and love which i never had with my parents.
Speaking of whom I talked to them yesterday and just had to laugh at everything they said. My mother asked if i need her help but couldn't say what kind of help she can offer. I just told her no but when she decide she wants to come and visit she can let me know. I don't understand why they have such trouble actually saying what they want to say. The other thing she asked me, which i found terribly funny was am I ever going to work again- for some reason they think we don't have enough money to get by. So i just laughed and said " may be eventually"
I want to work and i need to work because otherwise i get bored, still think that it's a bizzare thing to ask someone who is about to give birth any day now( hope to.
and that it's the news for today.
I'll be here waiting.
E
Saw the doctor today and I am not even close to being dialated.
My mood swings are back but mostly just being grumpy and bitchy rather than depressed. It's like I am very happy one day and then the next day I am still very happy but irritated that I haven't had contractions or anything else indicating nearing labor.
I guess she has decided to wait for everybody to come back from Holiday vacation and her grandparents will be very happy about that. so is her dad, because he'll be able to finish all the projects he has started- although with him you never know- he always comes up with more stuff to do.
While me I just feel like one big parasite who only sleeps and eats and waddles around.
I can't do much because I get tired so easily and feel like a big blop all the time( i am not sure if blop is an actual word but it means exactly what it sounds like- like big messy, gushy substance blopping on the floor)
I had a great session with my therapist today-she noticed I was grumpy so she had a fun little exercise to do where she just through pieces of information at me and waited for me to reach the conclusions instead of just telling me. I like that game it's fun and it actually put me in much better mood. We talked about Jeff for the first time- and it was fun. No, honey, I still don't have anything bad to say about you.
She said that you get as much out of this relationship as i do which makes me feel like a smaller parasite. Actually talking about Jeff makes me laugh, because he is so funny and full of life. she was trying to make me think how is my relationship with Jeff similar to the relationship with my parents.And I found out that it can't possibly be any similarity because their personalities are sooooo different. And because I have enormous respect for Jeff and know that I have his unconditional acceptance and love which i never had with my parents.
Speaking of whom I talked to them yesterday and just had to laugh at everything they said. My mother asked if i need her help but couldn't say what kind of help she can offer. I just told her no but when she decide she wants to come and visit she can let me know. I don't understand why they have such trouble actually saying what they want to say. The other thing she asked me, which i found terribly funny was am I ever going to work again- for some reason they think we don't have enough money to get by. So i just laughed and said " may be eventually"
I want to work and i need to work because otherwise i get bored, still think that it's a bizzare thing to ask someone who is about to give birth any day now( hope to.
and that it's the news for today.
I'll be here waiting.
E
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
One day at a time
No still no Madison. she right now squeezing and twisting somewhere in my pelvis but the little princess hasn't decided it's time to meet her family yet.
I have been very impatient and trying to make her come out with walks, wine, going to the gym, eating mango and pineapple, chinese food, spicy food, squatting and god knows what else.
She is obviously not ready. So I decided to let go and let her come out on her own. Yes , am uncomfortable and I waddle around and I can't sleep but it's not fair to her. I am sure she is warm and comfy in her little world and doesn't want to come out. So she will not be a saggitarius and it looks like she won't be born in december- big deal. My predictions that she will be born on the 23rd were wrong but who cares. the full moon came and went and nothing.
I snore so bad my husband can hear me from two rooms down where he tries to get some sleep. I have now started drooling while I sleep. I only hope she'll decide to come out while I can still preserve some kind of self- respect.
On the other hand- the apartment is almost done -which makes Jeff more relaxed and me more comfortable with the fact that he won't be cutting and scraping when Maddie is here.
I have typed up notes for him while I am in labor and in the hospital because he hasn't had the time or the interest to read on any books- even after I marked the pages and highlighted everything I wanted him to read- I guess he'll just wing it. Hey that's why I love him.
In the meantime I have decided to just let go of everything. I can't make plans and control everything, can't even want everything to go my way. so I'll just take it one day at a time. I don't know what to expect from labor and motherhood, even though I read so many books. And that is the most exciting part. I'll just take as it comes and enjoy the beauty of it. I have never been happier and I don't want to miss these moments just because I am trying to plan and have everything under control.
E
I have been very impatient and trying to make her come out with walks, wine, going to the gym, eating mango and pineapple, chinese food, spicy food, squatting and god knows what else.
She is obviously not ready. So I decided to let go and let her come out on her own. Yes , am uncomfortable and I waddle around and I can't sleep but it's not fair to her. I am sure she is warm and comfy in her little world and doesn't want to come out. So she will not be a saggitarius and it looks like she won't be born in december- big deal. My predictions that she will be born on the 23rd were wrong but who cares. the full moon came and went and nothing.
I snore so bad my husband can hear me from two rooms down where he tries to get some sleep. I have now started drooling while I sleep. I only hope she'll decide to come out while I can still preserve some kind of self- respect.
On the other hand- the apartment is almost done -which makes Jeff more relaxed and me more comfortable with the fact that he won't be cutting and scraping when Maddie is here.
I have typed up notes for him while I am in labor and in the hospital because he hasn't had the time or the interest to read on any books- even after I marked the pages and highlighted everything I wanted him to read- I guess he'll just wing it. Hey that's why I love him.
In the meantime I have decided to just let go of everything. I can't make plans and control everything, can't even want everything to go my way. so I'll just take it one day at a time. I don't know what to expect from labor and motherhood, even though I read so many books. And that is the most exciting part. I'll just take as it comes and enjoy the beauty of it. I have never been happier and I don't want to miss these moments just because I am trying to plan and have everything under control.
E
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Soon...
soon the quiet will be over and we'll have a whole new person in our lives. Someone we never met before and someone who will be here to stay for the rest of our lives. It's so fascinating and exciting.
We are not getting a nurse and I am really happy about that. I felt that having someone here to take care of Madison will take away from my time with her. I know it will be hard but it's my child and the first couple of weeks should be all about us- getting to know each other and getting to know what each of us likes. It should be intimate just Jeff, Madison and I. I don't understand why people ( including my husband) make such a big deal of taking care of the baby. It's just a baby- all it needs is love, food, and a clean diaper every once in a while. At least for the first couple of weeks anyway. But I didn't want to share that special time with a stranger. An expensive stranger too. honestly, I would rather buy myself a new computer than spend the money on a nurse. And it's not being selfish and caring for me more than for my kid. I don't think a nurse is necessary. I don't have anything else to do with myself during the day so why should I give away the privilege of taking care of my baby to someone else. I feel good about it and confident that I can handle it. That's the attitude I have been missing all my life and the perfect time to enjoy is now.
Which brings us to the other things going on in my life. Examining the relationship I have had with my parents I have come to understand where all my insecurities and doubts come from.
I have realized how manipulative my mother has been with me- and not saying she did it to screw me up, but because she obviously has her own issues. But she had made me feel guilty for so many things and at the same time manipulated me into being miserable. All the time she has been saying how much she wants me to be happy she had sabotaged my happiness and tricked me into falling back into the arms of deep depression and self- pity. And my being depressed for most of my life has come not from something being wrong with me, but from her. She made me suppress my anger by making me feel guilty for being angry at her. And I have finally come to the enlightenment that I have the right to be angry. but she made it sound that every time I got angry for one thing or another I hate her and that i pour venom at her and she is a good person who doesn't deserve it. At the same she wants me to be angry because that way she can be the victim and blame me for being cruel. She doesn't get angry because that would mean that she stands for herself, instead she just wines and pities herself, expecting for others to do the same.
Anyway I could go one forever about my mom's mistakes. that is not what matters now. what matters is that I have the most wonderful person to share my life with. someone who saw me fro what I was before I even knew it. and that we'll get to meet our daughter soon and that I have never been happier in my life and that I can't wait to live every single moment of it and share it with Jeff.
E
We are not getting a nurse and I am really happy about that. I felt that having someone here to take care of Madison will take away from my time with her. I know it will be hard but it's my child and the first couple of weeks should be all about us- getting to know each other and getting to know what each of us likes. It should be intimate just Jeff, Madison and I. I don't understand why people ( including my husband) make such a big deal of taking care of the baby. It's just a baby- all it needs is love, food, and a clean diaper every once in a while. At least for the first couple of weeks anyway. But I didn't want to share that special time with a stranger. An expensive stranger too. honestly, I would rather buy myself a new computer than spend the money on a nurse. And it's not being selfish and caring for me more than for my kid. I don't think a nurse is necessary. I don't have anything else to do with myself during the day so why should I give away the privilege of taking care of my baby to someone else. I feel good about it and confident that I can handle it. That's the attitude I have been missing all my life and the perfect time to enjoy is now.
Which brings us to the other things going on in my life. Examining the relationship I have had with my parents I have come to understand where all my insecurities and doubts come from.
I have realized how manipulative my mother has been with me- and not saying she did it to screw me up, but because she obviously has her own issues. But she had made me feel guilty for so many things and at the same time manipulated me into being miserable. All the time she has been saying how much she wants me to be happy she had sabotaged my happiness and tricked me into falling back into the arms of deep depression and self- pity. And my being depressed for most of my life has come not from something being wrong with me, but from her. She made me suppress my anger by making me feel guilty for being angry at her. And I have finally come to the enlightenment that I have the right to be angry. but she made it sound that every time I got angry for one thing or another I hate her and that i pour venom at her and she is a good person who doesn't deserve it. At the same she wants me to be angry because that way she can be the victim and blame me for being cruel. She doesn't get angry because that would mean that she stands for herself, instead she just wines and pities herself, expecting for others to do the same.
Anyway I could go one forever about my mom's mistakes. that is not what matters now. what matters is that I have the most wonderful person to share my life with. someone who saw me fro what I was before I even knew it. and that we'll get to meet our daughter soon and that I have never been happier in my life and that I can't wait to live every single moment of it and share it with Jeff.
E
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Still here
Yes, I see i haven't written in weeks. Was a little swept over with finals and final projects. I didn't think it was humanly possible that everything I had to do but it's over and I am officially done with school. At least for now. I probably want to go back in a year or so but would like to spend some time time with my little darling now.
No she hasn't shown up yet. But that is OK I didn't need her to be popping out during finals. I think she felt that because I was very stressed.
I had some Braxton Higs two weeks ago and then once I was in final storm I didn't have any, I hope I didn't stress her much.
In the meantime her knees and elbows are getting bonier and she seems a little tight in there. She really loved the Cirque de Soleil show we went to for Jeff's birthday. She was rolling and jumping in my belly for the whole 2 hours we were there. she is never active for so long. She wasn't crazy about the Little Mermaid though, which we saw last night. Can't blame her- it was quite lame. We have another show tomorrow night we'll see what she thinks of that.
Jeff is coming to the doctor with me today for the first time since I changed doctors about 5 months ago. So My plan is to take a couple of books and educate him a bit while we are waiting. I think he is a little overwhelmed with his home improvement projects and is very behind with baby books. I think that's why he feels unprepared and that makes me nervous. He asked me if I had contractions during the night. It's really cute- but I would like him to feel a bit more comfortable with all the stuff that is going to hit him.
As stupid as it may sound I feel kind of excited about labor and can't wait. I have the feeling that everything will be quite easy. May be it's just me hoping but i think the most important thing is the mindset we go in labor with and I feel very confident that it would be a wonderful experience.
I read my horoscope and I think she will be born between the 17 and the 23rd- It's a very rare star positioning and five planets are in Saggitarius, then it's a also a full moon- a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand but it sounded pretty good.
So hopefully we'll get to meet Madison soon.
E
No she hasn't shown up yet. But that is OK I didn't need her to be popping out during finals. I think she felt that because I was very stressed.
I had some Braxton Higs two weeks ago and then once I was in final storm I didn't have any, I hope I didn't stress her much.
In the meantime her knees and elbows are getting bonier and she seems a little tight in there. She really loved the Cirque de Soleil show we went to for Jeff's birthday. She was rolling and jumping in my belly for the whole 2 hours we were there. she is never active for so long. She wasn't crazy about the Little Mermaid though, which we saw last night. Can't blame her- it was quite lame. We have another show tomorrow night we'll see what she thinks of that.
Jeff is coming to the doctor with me today for the first time since I changed doctors about 5 months ago. So My plan is to take a couple of books and educate him a bit while we are waiting. I think he is a little overwhelmed with his home improvement projects and is very behind with baby books. I think that's why he feels unprepared and that makes me nervous. He asked me if I had contractions during the night. It's really cute- but I would like him to feel a bit more comfortable with all the stuff that is going to hit him.
As stupid as it may sound I feel kind of excited about labor and can't wait. I have the feeling that everything will be quite easy. May be it's just me hoping but i think the most important thing is the mindset we go in labor with and I feel very confident that it would be a wonderful experience.
I read my horoscope and I think she will be born between the 17 and the 23rd- It's a very rare star positioning and five planets are in Saggitarius, then it's a also a full moon- a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand but it sounded pretty good.
So hopefully we'll get to meet Madison soon.
E
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