The power of not doing

The impact of simply letting something go or not doing something seems to be very powerful.

I have been trying to find the place where I feel comfortable with not doing for years now and it has never been a success.

Until this wednesday. I was so beat up, and tired and still decided to brave to my yoga class because my ligaments and whatever is left of my muscles really needed some stretching. I was coming from my chiropractor, who discovered that my pubic bone was jammed and "fixed" it but I swear she bruised it in the process. Anyway I have never felt so broken and clumsy in my life.

And that was the first time that I felt it's not only ok but more beneficial for me to take it easy. I really did what felt good. And what felt good was sitting with my back on the wall and leggs crossed while other pregnant women were bending in two. For the first time I didn't feel guilt that "Hey, I should be doing the same thing". And it felt good.

And whether it's just sitting in yoga class, let the dishes pile up in the sink for once, not answer the phone, take a nap instead of doing laundry or just not worry about something I obviously should be worried about the power of not doing is undeniable. It gives you the freedom of the choice. To do or not to do. The ability to say " I am not going to do this right now".

Yes, we all have things to do and they are all very important. But the truth is that they all can wait.

E

Pregnancy Glow?

Second day in a row I was stopped by a stranger and told what a lovely pregnancy glow I have.

and everybody I know is telling me how becoming my pregnancy is.

And I just find it ironic because I simply hate being pregnant. It's not that I have hard pregnancies either. I probably am one of the women to have easiest pregnancies but hate it the most.

It's not only the discomforts which although minor could be very irritating, it's all the things I can't do and shouldn't eat and shouldn't drink.

It's more of an identity crisis for me. I feel like I have lost who I am and let someone take over my body leaving very little space for me, my comfort and my own feelings

Everybody is talking about babies and being pregnant and giving their opinion and advice and asking when my due date is and ...what about me?

Yes everybody asks how I feel but would they be so concerned if I wasn't pregnant. I feel like these little rascals have stolen my identity.

I have hard time finding my own self.

It wasn't bad enough that I sort of lost myself when I became a mother the first time; before I even had the chance to recover my lost soul here comes another identity thief and I am in complete loss for finding my inner peace.

Every time I get excited about something I have to remind myself that I am pregnant and most likely can't do it so I have to wait.

The only sigh of relief comes from the prospective that I won't have to be pregnant ever again. And if you think to tell me that I might change my mind, or never to say never, ooooh I'm saying never and I mean it.

Instead of all the warning on cigarettes and booze they should be giving a warning in big signs on the streets what happens to your body and mental state during pregnancy. I can't think of a better safe sex campaign.

E.

Waiting

So, here we are at 37 weeks today, waiting for little Max to decide to show up.

I think he might decide to come early but then again that may be just wishful thinking on my side.

I don't think it gets any more uncomfortable than this.

My pubic bone hurts every time I move, I can feel my feet swell up whenever I stand for more than 2 minutes, walking anywhere takes so much time I feel I'll never get there. Add the inability to breathe and the ever annoying hunger and you have for blissful 3 more weeks. Who wouldn't wish for early arrival.

On the other side little Max seems to be happy in there, kicking away and enjoying the comfort of my ultra-stretched uterus.

What makes me more anxious and has been the topic of many conversations with girlfriends and strangers with two kids, are the feelings about the second child and the bond , or the lack thereof, with him.

The first 3 months I almost felt almost resentment towards the baby because he was going to come and interrupt my time with Madison. I have passed the resentment phase and am excited about having him, but now I feel sad that things will never be the same, Madison and I will never be alone again, and there will be someone else she has to share our attention with.

She has been very clingy and affectionate lately and refuses to sleep anywhere but our bed. I assume she feels that things are going to be changed by the arrival of her brother. I am sure there will be a period of adjustment for her and I hope it's not too hard for her.

I had this special connection with Madison long before she was born and this time the bond is missing. I don't know if it's because I have less time to pay attention to the little kicker in my womb or because it's a boy, or because whatever but it's a bit unnerving.

With Madison I couldn't wait to meet her because I already knew her and loved her. With Max I want him out because I am annoyed at being pregnant and because I hope I will get know him and love him as well. I guess guilt comes to play a role in this whole parade of feelings as well because, let's face it, I do feel guilty about feeing this way towards my baby. After all I've always wanted to have my Max.

From what I hear from people who have been down this path, those feelings do change once the baby is born. And you love them both the same. But it's still always about the first one. Madison will always be my baby and in the end she will have someone to play with and grow up.

I was alone for 10 years, until my brother was born and it felt very lonely. And with such a tremendous difference I never felt like I had a brother. I still wish I had a sibling because growing up is a tough business and you need a buddy to share the experience with, or to take your frustration on.

E

alone again

So my husband is off.. to China this time and we'll be alone for about a week.

although it does get lonely here somehow it's easier.

May be it's the fact that I don't expect someone to help me so I summon up all my energy, may be I take it easier knowing that there's no help coming. It's probably also the fact that he's not around for me to get angry at him so I am better dealing with Madison. And it is easier to plan meals when it's just the two of us.

I was freaking out for a while that he won't be here when the baby is born but I am over that- it's too early and if it happens it happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. Worrying about it won't do me any good.

Now everybody else is freaking out including my mother in law who is ready to jump on a plane and be here in 3 hours if I need her. she makes me laugh sometimes, although it is nice to know that someone worries about you.

Madison has been talking up a storm. We are about 2 weeks into her Speech Therapy from EI and starting more therapy at Columbia in 2 weeks as well. so we should see improvements fast. She already is doing better with her sounds- I have also been working on stuff with her and I really like it. It's much more productive to play with her when I have a goal in mind- otherwise i get bored quite easily. And then I complain about her attention span- most likely it's genetic.

Looks like we might be able to start some occupational therapy as well. Evaluation showed that she does have some difficulties with her motor planning, which I believe is the problem with the speech as well.

Luckily it's all easy to fix according to the therapists.

She's growing so much . I took her to my doctor's appointment today, something I haven't done since she was 6 months old and she did great. We didn't have to wait long but she was good and it was the first time I didn't take the stroller with me. She enjoyed the taxi ride and the bus ride and I complained when I had to carry her but we made it and I am very proud of her.

My little girl is growing up....

E