Waiting

So, here we are at 37 weeks today, waiting for little Max to decide to show up.

I think he might decide to come early but then again that may be just wishful thinking on my side.

I don't think it gets any more uncomfortable than this.

My pubic bone hurts every time I move, I can feel my feet swell up whenever I stand for more than 2 minutes, walking anywhere takes so much time I feel I'll never get there. Add the inability to breathe and the ever annoying hunger and you have for blissful 3 more weeks. Who wouldn't wish for early arrival.

On the other side little Max seems to be happy in there, kicking away and enjoying the comfort of my ultra-stretched uterus.

What makes me more anxious and has been the topic of many conversations with girlfriends and strangers with two kids, are the feelings about the second child and the bond , or the lack thereof, with him.

The first 3 months I almost felt almost resentment towards the baby because he was going to come and interrupt my time with Madison. I have passed the resentment phase and am excited about having him, but now I feel sad that things will never be the same, Madison and I will never be alone again, and there will be someone else she has to share our attention with.

She has been very clingy and affectionate lately and refuses to sleep anywhere but our bed. I assume she feels that things are going to be changed by the arrival of her brother. I am sure there will be a period of adjustment for her and I hope it's not too hard for her.

I had this special connection with Madison long before she was born and this time the bond is missing. I don't know if it's because I have less time to pay attention to the little kicker in my womb or because it's a boy, or because whatever but it's a bit unnerving.

With Madison I couldn't wait to meet her because I already knew her and loved her. With Max I want him out because I am annoyed at being pregnant and because I hope I will get know him and love him as well. I guess guilt comes to play a role in this whole parade of feelings as well because, let's face it, I do feel guilty about feeing this way towards my baby. After all I've always wanted to have my Max.

From what I hear from people who have been down this path, those feelings do change once the baby is born. And you love them both the same. But it's still always about the first one. Madison will always be my baby and in the end she will have someone to play with and grow up.

I was alone for 10 years, until my brother was born and it felt very lonely. And with such a tremendous difference I never felt like I had a brother. I still wish I had a sibling because growing up is a tough business and you need a buddy to share the experience with, or to take your frustration on.

E