Me again

Here are my two beautiful babies

I am very happy to have them and so happy that I am not pregnant any more...

I finally feel like my old self again, like me before the babies.

Me being pregnant is not really me. I am starting to realize now that it wasn't only the pregnancy that caused my identity crisis- it is the whole motherhood thing.

I never had the dreams of having kids and family and all that so it is taking a really long time to adjust to that.

I am starting to come to terms with this situations and although I am still struggling it is much easier now that i am not pregnant any more and I know that I will never have to go through it again.

Some people say "never say never" but I am pretty sure that I don't want any more children.

What I want now is to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself.

It is a challenge since all my interests have been put aside for a few years and I have to discover all over again what thrills me.

Some of my interests have shifted tremendously. Most of my friends are married with children now and the hot topics are not hot guys any more but how unhelpful husbands can be, how to get yourself from point A to B with a double stroller or how to get your toddler to eat something healthy and stop biting people.

If someone has the illusion that motherhood doesn't change your life completely they better wake up.

I realize that my identity crisis is also because I didn't have a real definition of myself even before I had kids.

I have worked since 17 to support myself at whatever job fit my school schedule best and never had the experience of a job that I liked, never had the experience of a job that led somewhere. Never had the chance to work or make connections in a field that I was passionate about. Some of it was my own fault, but most of it was circumstantial.

And then before I even graduated my never ending school I was married and pregnant.

So i guess the identity crisis was inevitable.

Hopefully it will lead to something good.

E