It's 5 am and I can't sleep.One reason is that we went to bed around 9 and no matter how tired i am i can't sleep for so long. another is m sinus headache right above my left eye.
Or may be it's because i think something is starting to happen.
I had a great tantrum last night( over french fries and chicken) and i just wanted to cry. I don't even think it had that much to do with the food Jeff was eating and not sharing but I just wanted to weep and wail for no reason. Somehow after that i felt much better and still feel much more relaxed. I went to bed not feeling the tightness I usually feel in my insides. For the past couple of weeks i have had the feeling that i am squeezing my cervix and whatever other muscles i have down there not letting the baby escape. Now that feeling is gone- i feel like the door has been unlocked and now it only needs some time to open wide and let my daughter in the world.
I felt my underwear being wet and went to check if anything interesting has come out. No the water hasn't broken. I think it's what they call bloody show( although it hasn't really been that bloody)when the mucus plug falls out.
so may be i can't sleep because i am excited that something might happen soon. In my head i go over and over my idea of going to the hospital and giving birth and i don't feel fear of the pain. All that i have read makes me feel strange. May be i am just stupid and will be in for a big surprise. But i believe that the biggest part of pain is our fear of it. and because we are afraid we tighten and forget to breathe and focus on the pain trying desperately to run away from it. Pain is a good thing - it's a way of one's body communicating with their brain. Pain always teaches us something- whether it's to take our finger off the hot oven or change position so that the neck doesn't hurt the following morning, pain is a part of life and it's a part of labor and birth for a reason. And that reason is to fear it.
I feel so calm. It's almost weird. Almost like a calm before the storm. I am in a world where everything feels so soft and fuzzy. May be i am just delirious and need to go back to sleep.
I only wish that i get to meet Madison soon. I keep seeing her in my imagination- a small wiggly thing, like a little kitten, being placed on my chest and blindly looking for my breast. I hope it's not long before i meet her. the waiting is killing me.
I think i am going to go back to the warm comfy bed where my loving husband is sound asleep. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with my tantrums and moodiness.
E
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