Soon...

soon the quiet will be over and we'll have a whole new person in our lives. Someone we never met before and someone who will be here to stay for the rest of our lives. It's so fascinating and exciting.
We are not getting a nurse and I am really happy about that. I felt that having someone here to take care of Madison will take away from my time with her. I know it will be hard but it's my child and the first couple of weeks should be all about us- getting to know each other and getting to know what each of us likes. It should be intimate just Jeff, Madison and I. I don't understand why people ( including my husband) make such a big deal of taking care of the baby. It's just a baby- all it needs is love, food, and a clean diaper every once in a while. At least for the first couple of weeks anyway. But I didn't want to share that special time with a stranger. An expensive stranger too. honestly, I would rather buy myself a new computer than spend the money on a nurse. And it's not being selfish and caring for me more than for my kid. I don't think a nurse is necessary. I don't have anything else to do with myself during the day so why should I give away the privilege of taking care of my baby to someone else. I feel good about it and confident that I can handle it. That's the attitude I have been missing all my life and the perfect time to enjoy is now.
Which brings us to the other things going on in my life. Examining the relationship I have had with my parents I have come to understand where all my insecurities and doubts come from.
I have realized how manipulative my mother has been with me- and not saying she did it to screw me up, but because she obviously has her own issues. But she had made me feel guilty for so many things and at the same time manipulated me into being miserable. All the time she has been saying how much she wants me to be happy she had sabotaged my happiness and tricked me into falling back into the arms of deep depression and self- pity. And my being depressed for most of my life has come not from something being wrong with me, but from her. She made me suppress my anger by making me feel guilty for being angry at her. And I have finally come to the enlightenment that I have the right to be angry. but she made it sound that every time I got angry for one thing or another I hate her and that i pour venom at her and she is a good person who doesn't deserve it. At the same she wants me to be angry because that way she can be the victim and blame me for being cruel. She doesn't get angry because that would mean that she stands for herself, instead she just wines and pities herself, expecting for others to do the same.
Anyway I could go one forever about my mom's mistakes. that is not what matters now. what matters is that I have the most wonderful person to share my life with. someone who saw me fro what I was before I even knew it. and that we'll get to meet our daughter soon and that I have never been happier in my life and that I can't wait to live every single moment of it and share it with Jeff.

E